Redemption
by Shayz
Summary: Sequel to Isolation which is available here but rated M: 18 months later...there are always consequences to actions. COMPLETE shweir angst
1. Chapter 1

_Category_: General; Drama

_Genres_: Some Action, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, hopefully some Humor

_Rating_: PG-13

_Warnings_: Character Death; language

_Spoilers_: Season one

_Disclaimer_: I do not claim rights to any characters other than the ones I have created; just borrowing the SGA team for some fun...have no money, please don't sue.

A/N: An alternate reality from canon where Ford is still with us and there's no shirtless (sigh) Ronon Dex.

* * *

**Redemption**

**_STARRING_**: Carson Beckett, Elizabeth Weir, John Sheppard, Rodney McKay

**_WITH_**: Radek Zelenka, Aiden Ford, Teyla Emmagan, and Ashri (OC)

**_AND INTRODUCING_**: A'shon as OC

* * *

**Remembrance**

As dawn slowly wakes the city of Atlantis with a gentle kiss of pinkish-orange light drifting through the stained glass windows, Lt. Colonel John Sheppard opens his eyes and smiles.

Lt. Colonel…the field promotion still rocks him. He never expected to make it beyond Major. In fact, after going against orders in Afghanistan – though he won the gratitude of the men he saved and their families – he was told he wouldn't be moving up the ladder. Not that it mattered. He'd done the right thing. _We don't leave people behind._

He's never been rich and never will be, so John has always managed to get by with the basics: a duffle of clothes, a good book and his Johnny Cash poster. Moving up the ladder with prestige and power has never been his dream. His fathers, yes, but not his. Though, that bachelor pad he imagined on the misty planet had been _so_ cool, so _him_.

Still, he's been a Major so long, he once jokingly called his girlfriends – during those few and far between times he actually lived in civilization – Majorettes. _Which is probably why they didn't stick around all that long._ Not that there'd been all that many. John's made a point of self-imposed isolation over the years…familial, or otherwise, personal ties rarely tug on his heart. Flying was his mistress…his love.

Until he found the real thing.

Under the covers, his left hand slowly caresses the long, silky thigh hugging the back of his. He can't get enough of her skin under his, her body moving in time with his, the sweet sighs that escape when he kisses her.

For the past eighteen month and four days, every morning started the same as today. He relishes the warmth of her lying next to him, her breath on his neck. And he wishes he could stay in that spooned position forever. But inevitably, he rolls over to look into her beautiful face, run his fingers through her long, dark hair and wait for her eyes to open and for those gorgeous lips to part into a luscious smile.

All of it happened…as it does every day.

Then his stomach lurches and a lump clogs his throat as dread rises from his gut. The words that destroy him always follow that dreamy smile. The words that make him hate rolling over and seeing her, hearing her voice. The three little words that will forever leave a hole in his heart. "John, wake up."

John Sheppard jerks from sleep. In the middle of the night, darkness envelopes him in the small quarters that he calls home on Atlantis. Sweat trickles down his face and he gasps as the pain from his heart shocks him. Like a bolt of lightning. He rubs his hands over his face, gasping. "Ashri." He fights the urge to sob like a baby.

He left her on Luminance. Alone.

And he hates himself for it.

If only he'd been smart enough to figure out a way to help her, let her stay on Atlantis. Rodney has tried. He's made simulations of weather patterns, played with the stasis system, searched the city data banks for any information about manipulating ionic atmosphere. Nothing works.

And Weir locked him away from Luminance. Locked him away from the woman who saved his life. Saved Teyla and Ford.

He left her behind.

The fact that he took her back to _save_ her life doesn't matter. He should have found a way to make it work. _He managed to save Atlantis from siege during a damn hurricane for crying-out-loud!_

He took her back because she convinced him to. He left her because she made him believe his presence on Atlantis wasn't merely important but necessary in the fight against the Wraith. To this day he wonders if somehow she knew what was going to happen. Given her psychic talents, John wouldn't put it past her abilities.

The dreams first started as a pleasant reminder of the short time he spent with Ashri on Luminance. Some of the most extraordinary times for him took place in those few short weeks. The memories make him happy…until he wakes up.

He's been melancholy since the day he took her back and everyone seems to have noticed, giving him a wide berth and avoiding the subject. Even with the Wraith attack on the city, the loss of friends and colleagues, the promotion to military leader (which he knows irks Caldwell to his toes), John still feels leaving Ashri alone on the lightning plagued planet was and will always be the worst mistake of his life.

After the dreams started, he became moody, and even more withdrawn. He's been short with Elizabeth since the day he took Ashri back because she practically ordered him to sacrifice his lover's life to safeguard the city from the virus; the virus that Rodney had already gotten a handle on.

He disobeyed Weir with Rodney's help, leaving Elizabeth without backup. She'd been terse with him afterward, but at the same time, she looked at him with sadness in her eyes he figured for sympathy. After a few days, she tried to put it behind them, get back to business. But John couldn't and can't let it go. He needs to blame somebody. And blaming himself hasn't been working out so well.

When he started picking fights with Teyla and Ford, however, that's when he knew he needed to see the psychologist; put his feelings into perspective and move on. The doc listened and analyzed, but in the end, she told him what he _didn't_ want to hear.

"I'm sorry, John," she said. "I wouldn't label this as an infatuation that will fade with time as Dr. McKay said. You spent weeks getting to know this woman...very well, from what you've told me. Her ability to share thoughts and feelings with you opened you up to a new level of interpersonal understanding. You're connected to her in a way that is completely foreign and yet extremely familiar."

"So, what? I'm doomed?"

"No. But you have lost a part of yourself. You're grieving. You must allow yourself to go through that process."

"Ashri isn't dead."

"Not physically. And that could be the hardest part. You know she's out there, but you can't reach out to her. In the time you two shared, she became a part of you. And now that part is missing." She paused for a moment. "You have an incredible responsibility here, being a military leader, safeguarding the city and the people entrusted to you. But you're still human. With all the messy emotions that come along with that." John nodded. "You fell in love."

He looked at her sharply, but didn't deny it. _Yeah, smart, John! Real smart._

"And that love's been ripped away by no fault of your own. It's going to take time."

He meets with her once a week, but the outcome always remains the same. He has to give himself time, and release himself from the guilt. But he can't. And the dreams continue to haunt him.

Unwilling to lay in bed and mope, John pulls on his black shirt, cargo pants and boots and heads out of his quarters. Few lights rise as he passes through the corridors toward the gate room. Occasionally, he catches a glimpse of a shadow – a soldier on night patrol – but they ignore him as he does them.

The stairs light up a sultry blue as he steps down to stand before the giant ring. He stares at it for a long time then closes his eyes and remembers one of the dreams he had while hovering near death on Luminance after being struck by lightning.

In the dream, surrounded by darkness, he stood alone in the gate room – just as he does now – wearing the remains of the tuxedo he rented for the senior prom. A delicate hand reached up to touch his shoulder from behind. He turned, seeing Ashri wearing the same dress his date wore that long ago night. Romantic music floated on the air and they started to move with it.

He remembers making fun of the situation. Remembers how strange it all felt. Strange but familiar. "You didn't go to _my _high school," he joked.

Her gaze held his hostage, those huge brown eyes drinking in every part of him. She placed her hand over his heart and he could see a soft golden glow emanate from her palm. Instantly, he recalls the warm, tingling feeling that followed. "Are you messing with me?" he teased.

She cocked her head and creased her brows in question, obviously not understanding what he asked.

"You know, messing with my head. Playing with my memories?"

Shocked by the accusation, Ashri shook her head 'no'.

Only later, did John realize that he had been messing with himself. Or, his mind had been taking a siesta while his body healed. He had no idea – at the time – that he wasn't truly in Atlantis, but unconscious on planet Luminance being tended to by the beautiful woman with a Wraith-like palm.

As they slowly danced, he felt even more connected to her. As though he'd always known her, but couldn't find any memories that fit. "Are you real…" He traced a finger down her cheek. "Or a dream?"

She smiled so sweetly, drawing him to her. He couldn't resist…and didn't want to. He lifted her chin and leaned in for a soft, gentle kiss which she'd accepted and returned. That's when he heard it for the first time. Those three words that now rip his heart apart on a daily basis.

Before the words float through his memory, John opens his eyes and stares at the Stargate again, heaving a sigh. His left hand covers his heart as if her hand once again lies on his chest. He can almost feel her delicate fingers beneath his.

_John…_

Her voice drifts into his head, unbidden and – as much as he still loves her – unwelcome, as if she's standing right next him and whispering into his ear. As hard as he tries, the memory of her melodic voice can't be suppressed.

_Help me_.

John jerks upright, his posture suddenly stiff and looks around. "That's new."


	2. Chapter 2

**Conduit**

McKay wakes with a pounding headache; except the pounding seems to be coming from outside his head. He opens his eyes and hears it again. Someone hitting his door hard enough to shake Atlantis to the core. "All right already. I'm up."

Pulling himself off the bed, he slides over the smooth floor in his socks. Warm feet on a cold morning floor are worse than…well, someone pounding on his door in the middle of the night. But not much worse. "McKay!"

Rodney sighs. _Sheppard_. Should've known. Rodney hits the control panel that unlocks his room and Sheppard stomps inside.

"Do you realize you woke me up from a very good dream?" Rodney says. "There were these blondes, hundreds of them. Long, medium, short hair. Lots of 'em with short hair, dancing naked around me. Let me just say that again," he holds up his hands to emphasize the next part. "Dancing naked. Around me." He points his finger. "And they were naked. All of them!"

"McKay."

"What terrible midnight drama could you possibly be having, requiring my attention that could compare with that? Naked. Blondes. Dancing!"

"Rodney!"

Rodney jumps at the sharp tone. Not that Sheppard doesn't use it frequently, but he also has a strange…possibly deranged look on his face as well. Rodney crosses his arms over his chest, tilts his head back and looks down his nose at the crazy military man. _Fine_. See what he has to say.

"Ashri needs me."

Rodney sighs. _Here we go again._ "Major-" Sheppard raises a cocky brow. "So sorry. Lt. Colonel. You've had a bad dream. Warm up some powdered milk in water, take two aspirin and call Dr. Beckett in the morning." He motions for Sheppard to leave. "The real morning. You know when the sun is actually in the sky. Ba-bye."

Sheppard drops onto the edge of Rodney's bed – indicating he isn't going anywhere – and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. Rodney recognizes the defeated look. He's seen it several times over the past year and a half.

"It wasn't a dream." He lifts his gaze to meet Rodney's dead on. "She needs my help."

"And what would you like me to do about it?"

"I have to go to Luminance."

"At this moment? Weir would kill you first. Caldwell would love a chance at throwing your butt in the brig. Would be fun if we still had a wraith down there. You know, a kind of poor man's WWF in Atlantis. But no…you already killed the two we had in custody."

"I didn't kill Steve…just Bob."

"Fine…whatever you tell yourself so you can sleep at night. Oh, wait, that must not be working because you're not asleep and hey. Neither am I _anymore!_"

"Tell me how I get to Luminance and back again without bringing in the virus; so I can convince Dr. Weir."

Rodney leans against the wall as he thinks about how to tell Sheppard he already figured it out months ago, but Dr. Weir told him to keep the information to himself. He didn't understand why and still doesn't. Not much makes sense when it comes to Luminance and Dr. Weir. Even Carson seems to have issues on the topic.

Something between Weir and Carson has been very off since Ashri's all-to-brief visit and sudden departure. It all revolves around Sheppard, of course, as usual. The man doesn't know how to keep out of some kind of trouble or other. Ever since that day, neither Weir nor Carson seem able to look Sheppard in the eyes. He must have noticed. Then again, maybe he hasn't…being Sheppard and all.

Rodney dislikes secrets. It's one of the reasons he can't stand the military. Too many secrets. That and never getting published. He'd be a millionaire back on Earth if he'd been permitted to publish all his findings. But no…he'd signed hundreds upon hundreds of confidentiality agreements just to keep doing the work he loved. _Man! __Blonde…blonde…bbbbbbblondes…_

Where was he again? Oh, yeah, Sheppard. "Well, I have an idea that could work." Sheppard perks up immediately. "Dr. Weir is reluctant to dial into Luminance – since she's unwilling to accept my theory that the virus can only travel through an incoming wormhole – you'll have to use another planet as a conduit. Say M4X-337."

"The wasteland?"

"Exactly. Only that shadow creature lives there. Oh, hey…if the virus grabbed hold of that…wow what a show, huh? I mean, that thing is all energy. I wonder if it would turn into a big puddle of mush or something."

"I'd rather not get stuck there with that thing. If anything went wrong."

"Why would anything go wrong?"

"Maybe because it's one of your plans."

Rodney snickers. "Name one of my plans that didn't eventually work out."

"How 'bout the flooding of Atlantis and everyone dying."

"Uh, hello, another Rodney in a different timeline. Doesn't count."

"There's always the adventure of the personal shield."

Rodney narrows his eyes, his upper lip twitches and he groans. "In the end that worked just fine. Anyway. There are plenty of other planets out there that have no civilization or anything of value to damage. Like M2Z-452…not even bugs live there."

"The desert one…right. So, how long would I have to stay?"

"Given that you can't contract the virus and once the gate has shutdown there's no energy to feed on, two hours should do it."

"And you can convince Weir."

"What…you said…" Sheppard raises his puppy dog brows and Rodney groans, he's just as bad as Elizabeth when it comes to those looks. "Oh, all right. You big baby."

Sheppard smiles and heads out. "First thing in the morning." He turns back to Rodney before the door closes. "The real morning."

Rodney hits the control pad and the door swishes closed. Convincing Weir isn't going to be the hard part. Keeping Sheppard from killing him once he knows the truth was withheld? That might be impossible.

* * *

John considers returning to bed, but his mind refuses to shut down. He wouldn't even care if the dream returns. Just the thought of seeing her again, after all this time…he aches for her, longs to hold her close, have her mind touch his once more. A thrilling tingle rushes his spine as he remembers the time their minds linked as they made love. The intensity…John reluctantly shakes off the memory before it takes hold of him. 

It seems so easy. Use a conduit. Why hadn't he thought of it sooner? Why hadn't McKay thought of it sooner? Maybe because it is so easy they over-looked the whole idea. But that doesn't matter now. He has an opportunity here; he isn't going to let it slide.

Even if Ashri can't live on Atlantis…now he can visit. Possibly on a regular basis. And not just him. If the storms have lightened up, perhaps McKay and a group of the other scientists with the gene could go and do some research…maybe look for some more ZPM's in the ruins of the old city. Ashri would never be alone again. He'll never get back to sleep; he doesn't want to lose the excitement coursing through his body.

Still, his gut tightens. Her plea for help managed to find him so far away. If it had been possible for her to connect to him all this time, why hadn't she done it sooner? Why the long silence?

Or had it been silence? The whole time she healed him on Luminance, she visited his memories, watched him interact with the people in his life – or his version of them. Maybe the daily dreams haven't been his manifestation. Maybe they're being sent. Shared even?

Back on Luminance when he first came to, he found her gazing at him the same way she did in the dreams: unrestrained love. And since she had been inside his head, she knew all about him…and still looked at him that way. That amazed him.

And the way she gave of herself. Willing to die in order to save a complete stranger. He'll never forget what she did for him. How she pulled him into the cavern and brought him back from the dead. Literally. His brain and heart had been fried by the lightning strike. And she risked her life, by sharing her strength, her energy, with him. He tried to forget what he did next to drive her away. She almost got herself killed by lightning because of how he treated her.

Death by lightning. Not something John would recommend. Unless someone like Ashri lived nearby to fix the damage. Only one problem, there isn't anyone else like her. Not only the last of the Luminaté, but also a seeming hybrid of Wraith and Luminaté DNA. He doesn't even know her true age, not that it matters.

Sitting on the window seat in his small room, he looks over the ocean and up at the star-filled sky, picturing Ashri's beautiful face.

The blaring intruder alarm jars him out of the reverie. John grabs his gear and races to the gate room. Night patrol soldiers take their posts with weapons ready, aiming at the gate as someone off-world tries to establish a connection.

"Shield," Dr. Elizabeth Weir says, coming out of her office as John makes it to the control room. He glances at her, seeing the familiar red shirt with blue sides, the same thing she'd been wearing when he turned in hours ago. _Doesn't she ever sleep? _

The shield bars the wormhole from forming, not letting in anyone without the proper identification code or IDC. "We don't have anyone off-world. Who is it?" Dr. Weir asks sharply.

"One moment," the woman monitoring the computer says. "Ma'am…it's-" the woman glances at John. "The Colonel's IDC."

John looks at the computer then at Weir, whose brows practically jump off her forehead when she says: "What?"

The woman stammers. "Actually, it's the Major's IDC…the old one."

Weir's gaze on him shifts to one of disappointment. "Really." She doesn't pull her eyes from his when she asks the next question. She probably suspects the answer. "Where's it coming from?"

Before the woman can say anything a loud _boom_ hits the shield then a pause follows by two more _booms_. Weir's breath catches and she turns to the gate then toward Sheppard with worry wrinkling her brows. "That wasn't…what was that?"

"It's coming from the planet Luminance, ma'am."

"Yeah, yeah," she waves a hand. "What just hit the shield?"

"Rocks," John says.

Weir nails him with that sharp gaze. "Rocks?"

John nods, trying not to grin. "A signal. Bam…bam-bam."

Elizabeth isn't amused. "Flintstones?"

John manages to hold his smile back. "9-1-1."

Elizabeth sighs heavily. "I see." She moves to his shoulder and glares at him. "Colonel…a moment. My office." John bows his head and backs up then turns to follow. She closes the door as he comes in. He doesn't sit. "John-"

"Don't start. You had to know I wouldn't leave her like that without a lifeline."

"You can't go back."

"Don't give me that shit. After all this time, do you really think she'd take the chance of dialing in if it wasn't an emergency? She's been alone, knowing there are people out here who accept her…love her…and she's kept silent." He returns her glare. "For our sake."

"I realize it's been hard-"

"Damn near impossible, actually. And I haven't asked for much. But now I'm telling you…I _have_ to go back."

"It's too dangerous."

"McKay doesn't think so."

Elizabeth's eyes narrow. "McKay doesn't?"

"Rodney came up with a way for me to go and come back without endangering Atlantis one bit."

Her stern expression wavers and her eyes drop from his. "I see," she says coolly. "What exactly did he say?"

"I can use M2Z-452 as a conduit. On the return trip" - he shrugs - "I have a two hour lay-over. I'll pack light."

"You have a mission briefing in six hours."

John nods. "If I go now, I'll be back in time."

Elizabeth drops into her chair. She still refuses to meet his gaze. "Go."

John's heart beats faster. She said _go_. All the months of being pissed at her evaporate immediately and he grins. "Thank you." Elizabeth nods, but says nothing. He bows his head slightly again then turns to leave.

"Take Dr. Beckett," she adds quietly.

John looks over his shoulder at her. "Carson?"

Elizabeth busies herself with work on her laptop. "She may need a doctor. He's got the gene, so he can't catch the virus."

Something's changed in her manner. Something he can't put a finger on. And she still won't look at him. "Carson hates going through the gate."

Elizabeth sighs again. "Don't worry…he'll want to go."

John narrows his gaze, trying to see something specific in the way she works, breathes or moves that will give him a clue about the sudden shift in attitude. Nothing. Without another word, she basically dismisses him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Choices**

Elizabeth's right about Carson. The moment John mentions the signal from Ashri, Carson's whole face lights up. "I'll be dressed and ready in ten minutes," he says.

John thanks the Scot then returns to his quarters to get full gear. Carson's reaction shocked him. Not only that, but Weir knew how Carson would react. Something's been simmering under the surface between those two for over a year. He's seen it, but hasn't bothered to let it register; too haunted by his own issues.

But now that he thinks about it, there seems to be an underlying anger coming from Carson, aimed at Elizabeth. Nothing overt. More like a chilliness; a mild case of disrespect, even, which seems so unlikely. Yet he feels it. As promised, Carson hits the gate room ten minutes later, fully dressed and loaded down with a large medical bag. "Kitchen sink?"

Carson's cheeks dimple. "Didn't fit."

John signals the control room to dial the conduit planet. He notices Elizabeth standing above, arms crossed, watching. John salutes her and nods thanks again. Elizabeth dips her head slightly in return acknowledgment. John steps through the wormhole, ready for action and emerges on Luminance in full mid-day sunlight. The sky is as beautiful as he remembers. A moment later, Carson arrives with a heavy exhale. John tosses a grin over his shoulder. "You don't have to hold your breath, you know."

"Habit," Carson says. "It looks like water when ya walk into it."

John sweeps the area for any movement. Nothing. The day looks calm and the air smells clean. Not even a single sizzle of lightning to greet them. "This is weird."

"Colonel?"

John leads the way down the altar stairs and heads for the side entrance into the Ancient temple hidden within the mountain behind the Stargate. Ashri's home for a century or more was probably an outpost the Ancients used to study the civilization they'd created. Kind of like an ant farm on a grander scale. When the Ancients abandoned Atlantis, the outpost remained hidden. Ashri's parents discovered it and chose to study the temple in secret.

Ashri's mother was attacked by a Wraith while pregnant and through some crazy DNA-swapping-mutation, Ashri was imprinted with a Wraith hand…or palm actually, aside from which, the rest of her, Carson determined, to be human.

Although she uses her gifts for healing and not taking life, Ashri's father chose to raise her in the temple, out of sight of the others so they would not fear her mutation. John attributes her healing abilities to the Luminaté genes as well as that of her ancestors, the Ancients. After her people created a weapon to fight the Wraith, the life-sucking creatures chose to wipe out the civilization. Being secreted away, Ashri survived. Alone.

John touches the stone wall that hides the entrance to the temple passageway. Nothing happens.

"What are you lookin' for?" Carson asks.

"There's a spot…I can't remember-"

"To your right," a young man states.

John whips around, raising his gun on a man of about twenty, wearing a simple white robe, with hands clasped easily in front of him.

"Lord almighty son," Carson clutches his heart. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that!"

"I apologize Dr. Beckett." Carson exchanges a look with John.

John starts. "How do you know-"

"I am Bureen, Colonel Sheppard. Your questions will be answered once we go inside." Bureen looks toward the clear skies. "Holding the lightning at bay is not a simple task."

"What?" John can't wrap his mind around this young man. Where the hell did he come from? And holding the lightning?

"Please," Bureen says, gesturing to the mountain wall. "They are waiting for you."

John reaches for the control spot and presses his palm against it. A section of mountain wall vanishes, creating an opening into a dark passageway. John motions for Carson to go inside then he follows Bureen. "You said 'they'. Others have joined Ashri?"

Bureen leads the way down the short corridor. "One other." He steps through a seemingly solid stone wall and disappears.

Carson jumps and looks over his shoulder at John. "It's okay doctor. It's a camouflage shield. You don't need to hold your breath." Carson raises his brows at John then nods and takes a step toward the stone wall with one hand outstretched and disappears beyond. John joins him a moment later.

Inside the cavern, the walls cast a pale white-blue light, energized by the remaining ZPM's in the three corners of the temple. Ashri previously shared a ZPM with Atlantis when John first brought her to the lost city, which was depleted during the Wraith attack just before the Daedalus arrived with a replacement. At the time of returning Ashri to Luminance, John was willing to give the ZPM back, but she declined. She even tried to convince him to take another, but John knew she had an intrinsic connection to the zero-point-modules that would help her heal. Somehow, she shares their power.

John had forgotten how beautiful the cavern looks in full light. The expression on Carson's face reminds him of the wonder he felt when he first saw the place. Of course, that didn't compare to the best memory of that first night: Ashri rising from the dark pond, glistening and completely naked.

John grins at that thought as he moves further into the temple. He sets his gun on the stone table and does a full 360 degree turn, everything rushes back to him. Every moment he spent here with Ashri…sitting at the table, having her throw food at him, their many sessions of shared thoughts; as well as their more intimate moments.

"This is amazing," Carson says.

John revels in the memories. "I know," he sighs.

"Please, come," Bureen says. "They are eager to see you."

John follows Bureen toward the nook. "Who's this _they_?" As he asks the question, he spots the answer sleeping in the crook of Ashri's left arm. John stops short, feeling his heart thudding hard against his ribs. He nearly drops from shock. Glancing back at Carson, he realizes in an instant what had come between the two doctors. He just doesn't know who betrayed him more. John gapes at him. "You knew!"

"Aye."

"And you said nothing."

Carson nods, looking deeply ashamed. "Dr. Weir felt it would be best-"

John moves right in front of Carson, into the man's personal space, keeping his voice low but lethal. "Are you telling me Elizabeth ordered you to keep quiet?"

"Aye."

John's damn close to punching his fist into one of the polished stone walls, but reigns in his fury for the sake of the sleeping child.

"I understand how you feel-"

"Don't!" Holding up a hand, John turns his back on Carson, more to keep the other man safe than to hide his emotions.

"What would you've done?" Carson asks. "Come and stayed here? If you'd done that Atlantis would very likely have fallen to the Wraith. You know as well as I do that Ashri could not have stayed with us. It would have killed her…and your child."

John whips around ready to fire both barrels, then sucks in a deep breath and glares at Carson, his friend. He understands the reasoning for keeping the information withheld, but that doesn't mean he can forgive either him or Elizabeth. He doesn't know if he ever will. Such a simple omission carries an enormous weight in trust. _Elizabeth, I trusted you!_ John shakes his head at the thought. Never in a million years would he suspect her to be so cruel. Not only denying him the woman he loves…but their child as well? He sighs. There's just no excuse for that. "You could have told me," he tells Carson without looking at the man. "You should have."

Carson dares to take a step closer to him. "And I wanted to. But what's done is done. We have to move on from here."

Bureen steps up to Carson's side. "The doctor is correct, John. It is time to move on."

Turning away from the two men, John catches Ashri's eyes and she smiles at him with absolute joy. His heart nearly bursts at the sight of her. She's never looked so beautiful…or so weak. Even when she was sick on Atlantis, she still had an aura of vitality. Now, she simply looks…feels tired. He can sense the weariness washing through her, into him. But her smile never wavers. And happy tears fill her eyes when she gazes up at him. She's missed him more than he missed her, something he never would have believed possible, until now.

With her free hand, Ashri reaches for John. He kneels and takes her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before bringing to his lips. Ashri drops her eyes to the infant resting in her arm then smiles at John again. _This is A'shon. _John can't stop the wide grin that captures his face as he touches the sleeping baby's cheek with the back of his finger before catching Ashri's gaze again. _You're daughter._ She smiles brighter.

John gasps and turns to Bureen and Carson. The Scot has such compassion in those blue eyes, such tenderness and empathy that John can't stay mad at the guy, not right now. "I have a daughter!" he says proudly.

"Congratulations, Colonel," Carson says looking passed him to the sleeping baby. "She's quite the lass. Very beautiful."

John turns back to mother and child. "She's perfect."

Ashri clearly agrees. But a twitch of concern creases her brows. She carefully picks up the baby's right hand, gently and slowly as to not jar the infant, and turns it palm up. John sees the mark that has Ashri worried. The same mark she bares. The Wraith palm.

John caresses the baby's palm with his fingertip then does the same to Ashri's forehead, bringing relief to the worry lines. He cups her cheek then weaves his fingers into her hair, noticing for the first time, the incredible streak of pure white hair starting at her temple and trailing past her shoulder. The last time he'd seen her, the white streak had not been so prominent. He leans over the baby and kisses Ashri as he's wanted to for so long. He lingers and would have stayed with his lips locked onto hers forever if A'shon didn't choose that moment to stir and awaken.

His daughter stares at him with huge hazel eyes framed with long black lashes that match the soft curls atop her head. His eyes. She smiles – not gas – a true Sheppard smile with dimples and balls-to-the-walls charisma. _Yep, that's my kid_.

Ashri motions for John to take the baby, so he sits on the bed padding next to her and she passes him his daughter. Little A'shon gurgles and John coos and clicks his tongue. He's never imagined this moment. Not once has he considered becoming a father. The expedition to Pegasus had been a crap shoot at best. And yet here he sits, with the strongest, most beautiful woman and their love child.

Love child…he grins…that doesn't sound so bad.

John studies the baby, inspects the fingers and toes. A'shon takes hold of his index finger and grips it like a champ, making him chuckle with pride. John smiles at Ashri and she grins in return. From the other side of the bedding, Ashri picks up a tiny bundle of white fur with dark gray stripes and presses the kitten to her heart. _Tanis._ John rubs a finger behind the kittens ear and it opens two of the most beautiful blue eyes he's ever seen, they Carribean Sea blue…almost turquoise. The kitten looks like a white tiger…with as much soul.

Ashri pets the cat gingerly. _Kel, my…cat, is his father. Kel wishes Tanis to watch over A'shon._

"Kel does?" She must have named the cat after he named Whooter, her owl. "Well, he's quite the handsome baby." John grins, petting the kitten again. It couldn't be more than eight weeks old, but those eyes…he's never had a cat, but he's seen enough to know they rarely lock eyes with people for long. This one doesn't seem to know that. He really is a beauty. John can see faint gray lines on his forehead like a tabby. Definitely a miniature white tiger in the making.

_Protector, my love. Tanis is A'shon's…Sheba_. John's eyes widen as he matches Ashri's gaze. He can feel the tears burning but refuses to let them drop. He merely nods in understanding. He glances up to see if Carson is looking, but the Scot seems deep in conversation with Bureen. Carson doesn't look happy. In fact, he looks worried. When his eyes drift over with that concern covering his face, John's heart hits his throat.

John turns to Ashri. She's leaning back against the pillows, eyes closed, fingers slowly stroking the kitten. She looks so small…so fragile. He didn't notice her shallow, labored breathing until this moment. "Ashri?" he whispers. She opens her eyes and beams at him with love and devotion. Ashri shifts on the bed so she can look over at him and the baby. With the back of her hand, she caresses A'shon's cheek, then John's. "What's wrong?" John asks.

She shakes her head and kisses him: a long, sweet tug on his lips. Then she sinks against the pillows, resting her head so she can continue watching them.

Carson comes over rather quickly. "Colonel…may I see the wee baby?"

John looks at his daughter. "She's fine."

"No, really…John, let me have the tot. For a short while."

The doctor rarely uses his first name and he takes it as a bad sign. "What's going on, Carson?"

Carson drops his eyes from John to the baby. He reaches over and pulls the child from John's grasp. "You need to spend some time with Ashri." Once he has hold of the child, Carson lifts his eyes to meet John's. "To say goodbye."

John's mouth drops open, but he can't form any words. His brain seems frozen. Then he manages a weak, "…what?" He looks at Ashri. She has tears in her eyes but still, she smiles.

John turns on the bed so he can look at her. He cups her face in his hands and the tears spill onto his thumbs. "Talk to me." She tries raising her right hand to his temple but doesn't seem to have the strength to hold it in place. The lump caught in his throat grows, threatening to choke him. He can't speak and it hurts to breathe. He's been here before.

When he brought her back to Luminance, John believed she had died. He cradled her in his arms, raging at God or whoever for taking her away…and then all of a sudden, he felt her. She called his name. For several hours afterward, they spent together, making love…saying goodbye…knowing it wouldn't be forever. Couldn't be. He would return for her. She believed it. But more importantly, he believed it.

Looking at her now, he can feel that rage returning and pushes it down deep. Tears drip from his eyes freely now. Even though he doesn't want her to feel his pain or anger, he can't pass up the opportunity to share one last intimate moment with the mother of his child…the love of his life.

John kisses her, taking the kitten from her grasp and setting him besides the bedding, then John rests his head against Ashri's chest. He can hear the soft thud of her slowing heartbeat. He places her right hand on his temple and holds it in place, seeing the familiar golden glow coming from her palm and feeling the tingle of their connection. A bright flash of light hits him in the eyes. When he blinks, he's back in gate room on Atlantis, wearing the tuxedo and holding Ashri as they slowly dance.

"Our first dance," she says, grinning at him. "I'll never forget."

"Why do I have to say goodbye?"

She touches his cheek and looks in his eyes in a way that makes him feel like an awkward teenager. Weak in the knees even. "It's time to move on."

"I don't understand."

"Something happened…with the baby. We became ill…I could not heal us both."

John gasps. "No."

"I chose life, John. Our child's life. We have a beautiful, healthy daughter. And she needs her father."

"You can come back with us. Carson will find a way…we'll fix you, I promise."

She smiles and closes her eyes. "I have had my time. Longer than most. And not all that has taken place has been my choice." She opens her eyes and catches his. "I chose you. I chose our daughter. Now…Bureen and the others are offering me a final choice."

"Bureen?"

"Have you not guessed, my love?"

John wishes he didn't know; wishes he could offer her another option. But he can't. His voice catches as the words spill out in a hot breath. "He's an Ancient."

Ashri nods. "He came to me after I healed A'shon. Knowing I would not survive to take care of our child, the others agreed this one time to help in corporeal matters and return you to me. The remainder of the journey is mine."

"You want me to take A'shon to Atlantis."

"It is her birthright. And she has not been on Luminance long enough to be affected by the lightning as I have. They have assured me of this." She rests her hand over his heart. "Remember when I showed you how my father helped me learn to heal the owl." John nods. "You must teach A'shon the same. With your guidance, I believe she will become a powerful woman. A true Atlantian."

Ashri smiles at him again and wipes the tears from his cheeks. "John…please remember our time with the same joy I do. No regrets, I beg you. Though our union had been all too brief …I truly believe it was destined to be. I may have healed your wounds. But you brought me to life. You gave me our daughter. And I will be eternally grateful."

John hugs her close, pressing his lips against her soft neck. "I don't want to let you go. Not again."

She kisses his cheek and slips from his grasp. "The choice is not yours." She kisses him on the lips one last time…a long, passionate reminder of the time they spent together. Then she backs away until not even their fingertips touch. A brilliant white light envelops her. "Be well. I love you and A'shon. Forever."

John opens his eyes and sits up in time to see Ashri's body change into a ball of white energy. He can still make out her face for a short time before she rises toward the ceiling of the cavern and out the top, forever leaving his grasp.

The cavern seems to dim around him.

A'shon starts crying.

John leaves the bed and retrieves his daughter from the doctor. He bounces her and rocks her, but nothing will stop the tears. She feels the loss of Ashri as he does. John turns to Bureen. "Why?"

Bureen steps closer to him. "Ashri spent much time contemplating enlightenment, trying to understand her place in the universe. It was only after her time with you and the birth of your child she realized her place. If one never sees the path, one may never make the choice in which direction to go."

"You're saying this is because of me!"

"No. It is because of Ashri. Who she was and always will be. A bright light in a dark place." Bureen says. He moves into the nook and retrieves a cloth bag tied with a thick golden rope and hands it over to John. "A'shon's necessities…and remembrances."

John hefts the bag over his shoulder; it weighs about the same as the baby.

"Now it is your turn to move on," Bureen says calmly. "You must leave soon. The ZPM's, were depleted by the healing and will not sustain the temple's needed power. Also, I will be unable to hold back the lightning for much longer. Return to Atlantis, quickly." John stares at the man as if he's speaking gibberish. Then Bureen begins to glow with the same alien light as Ashri. "Be well, my friends. And remember. She is not alone…and she is loved." With that, Bureen floats up through the ceiling of the temple.

Carson grabs his medical bag and waits for John to move. But he can't. He stands there with the crying baby in one arm and the bag of 'necessities' in the other, staring at the ceiling of the Ancients' temple. "Colonel. We must go." John nods. Carson motions to the baby. "Should I-"

"I've got her. Grab my gun," John says heading for the passageway. "And don't forget the cat."

Carson awkwardly picks up the P-90 from the table. "The what?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Who's Your Nanny?**

Carson nearly kisses the floor when they return to Atlantis. He hates to admit it, but two hours on a dusty desert wasteland, sitting in a cramped tent with a crying infant and mewing, rambunctious kitten is enough to destroy any man's sense of nobility and honor. Of course, Col. Sheppard barely said two words the whole time they waited on the conduit planet. He did what he could to keep the baby quiet with feeding and changing, but nothing seemed to work. Carson can't prove it, but he truly believes the tyke knows her mother is gone.

_But gone where?_ Carson had never witnessed anything so wondrous and tragic take place in the same moment. The beauty of a being ascending to a higher plain as pure energy can only be dimmed by the loss of that soul to those bound by mortality. Carson knows Col. Sheppard to be a strong military leader as well as a man of grand character and integrity; but Carson wonders how much damage, physical or in this case emotional, the man can withstand.

As soon as they step out of the wormhole and onto solid ground again, Carson looks up seeing Dr. Weir looking down at them from the Control Room balcony. McKay comes up behind her almost instantly. "That's a baby," he yells. "What's he doing with a baby?"

Sheppard, however, doesn't wait for them to come down the stairs before heading off toward his quarters.

"Colonel?" Dr. Weir calls, racing down the steps to block his exit. "John?" She looks at the baby and smiles, though she doesn't seem too thrilled.

He turns toward her. "Dr. Weir," he says coldly.

Carson doesn't know when Sheppard's anger will thaw…if ever. Dr. Weir glances at Carson, then back at Sheppard, instantly understanding the new dynamic. Worry and regret fill her eyes.

During one of their spats over the topic of Ashri's secret pregnancy, Dr. Weir told Carson she didn't know why she made the decision to keep the news from Sheppard; only that she knew it was the right choice. The only choice. She could not change her own mind…even though she had tried. She said that it made her heartsick to keep the truth from him, but her head overruled her heart. "I'm sorry, John," she whispers. "It was the only way."

Sheppard shifts the baby from one shoulder to the next, still trying to calm the child. "No… obviously it wasn't."

By that time, McKay has joined them at the bottom of the stairs and Sheppard's eyes target him. "How long?"

"Excuse me?"

"How long have you known?"

"Known what?" McKay points at the baby. "Who'd you steal the kid from and…why would you want to?"

"This is A'shon…my daughter, McKay." He looks pointedly at Dr. Weir. "Ashri's and my child."

McKay's eyes nearly pop from his head, his mouth dropping into an 'O' and he tracks a pointed finger from Dr. Weir to Carson and back again. Finally, he sighs. "That explains _a lot_."

"Rodney!" Dr. Weir snaps; the concern lines around her eyes deepening.

"Well it does," McKay turns back to Col. Sheppard. "So, we now know my ingenious conduit theory works like a charm…what of the lovely Ashri? I take it you will be a more likeable person now that you will be able to visit-"

"Rodney," Carson says quietly.

"-on a regular basis." McKay looks at Carson. "What?"

Sheppard drops his eyes to his squirming daughter and kisses her forehead.

McKay and Dr. Weir then look to Carson. He shakes his head. He can't speak of it now, not with the Colonel so close to the edge. But his silence tells them everything they need; both doctors seem to understand immediately.

McKay shoves his hands into his pockets and hunches his shoulders. Dr. Weir takes a deep breath as she looks up at the ceiling. Carson doesn't miss the rise of tears in her eyes that she tries to keep to herself. Trying to bridge the enormous gap that has come between her and Sheppard, Dr. Weir takes a step toward the Colonel and motions to the baby. "May I?"

John glares at her. Dr. Weir swallows hard, nods and steps back. The sting that must have zapped her heart also dulls the hope of reconciliation in her eyes. Carson wants to comfort her, but he still has his own anger and regret issues to work through. Elizabeth sighs. "The three of you need to be checked out."

"Four," Carson adds, pulling the kitten from his jacket pocket. The pint size fur ball finally fell asleep a while ago, after crawling into his pocket all on its own. McKay lets out something close to a squeal of delight to all of their astonishment.

"Oooh, let me…please." Carson's weary of the scientist and turns slightly away, keeping the kitten safe from frantically waving hands.

"A cat!" Dr. Weir says. "We have protocols-" She gets a look from Sheppard that instantly stops her and instead, she raises her brows and sighs. "Does it have a name?"

Sheppard reaches over and takes the kitten from Carson, draping the little thing against his neck so that the baby can see. "Tanis." He looks at McKay. "He's A'shon's." Unfortunately, even the sight of the kitten doesn't calm the child.

McKay's face instantly falls. A moment later, he shakes a finger at the baby. "Does that…she…ever stop wailing? It's a bit-"

Quite suddenly and to everyone's astonishment and Dr. Weir's obvious hurt, Sheppard hands his daughter over to the whining scientist. "See what you can do."

McKay holds the baby at arms length with one big hand on each side of the infant's chest, under the arms. His face contorts into something akin to disgust and he stares at her as if seeing some kind of alien. He obviously has absolutely no paternal instincts what-so-ever. "Rodney," Carson starts. "That's not how you hold a baby."

"This is how _I_ hold a baby," Rodney snaps in return. Even stranger than that…little A'shon stops crying immediately.

Everyone stares, even the people mulling around the Command area who had been trying to keep a discreet distance, stop to see who managed to calm the child. Carson can't count the gaping mouths and wide eyes in the growing crowd. Even Sheppard looks suspicious, his narrow gaze tracks over to Carson and then back to McKay. "What'd you do?"

Rodney looks from the baby to Sheppard, as confused as everyone else. "I don't know. What'd I do?"

Carson has to pick his jaw up off the floor when the little girl looks at Rodney, reaches out with one tiny hand, points at his face and giggles. "Oh, bloody hell. I think she likes you, Rodney."

McKay frowns. "Well, that's just…ridiculous."

"Understatement," Sheppard adds. "And yet." He crosses his arms. "Looks like I've got a nanny."

McKay's brows crease and his eyes pop open as he registers Sheppard's words. "W..W..What?"

Dr. Weir pats him on the shoulder. "I'm sure it's only temporary, Rodney."

Again, McKay looks at everyone, his eyes bugging out of his head. "What? I…I…I don't….I… what?"

"We need to have our examinations," Carson tells Sheppard. "Let's get to the infirmary."

The Colonel nods and heads out.

McKay stands in the same spot staring at the baby, that silly astonished look contorting his face. Carson waits for him to move, only to have them both jump into action and follow when Sheppard roars: "Now, McKay!"


	5. Chapter 5

**A Happy Place**

"She's perfectly healthy, Colonel," Carson says cheerfully. "Your turn."

Before lying on the exam table, John takes a quick glance at McKay and A'shon. The scientist no longer holds her at arms length, but has given in to bending his elbows. He still doesn't hold her as a normal person would. John's baby girl grabs McKay's nose and gives it a good squeeze. The man doesn't look thrilled. He grumbles. "This is the kind of thing you find amusing, is it?"

A'shon coos and blows bubbles.

"That was a redundant question," McKay says as if she actually understands him.

_Given her mom, she probably does._ John lays down, trying to see the humor in the situation like Carson can, but thoughts of losing Ashri keep returning, plaguing him with anger and loneliness. Yes, he has his daughter…but she doesn't know him, or seem to want him at this point.

_What could he possibly have to offer a baby?_ John has responsibilities on and off Atlantis. His team goes on numerous off-world missions in search of ZPM's as well as allies against the Wraith. At any time, he can be wounded or killed, leaving A'shon completely alone.

The scan starts its slow progress from head to toe. John closes his eyes for a second and drifts through his memories of the past few hours. As much as he wants to relish the final moments he shared with Ashri…it hurts too much, so he pushes the images aside. He focuses on the sandy-dune planet.

The conduit has many reasons to be uninhabited, but the dust alone could drive someone insane. The sand managed to get everywhere. Luckily, John planned ahead and packed a compact tent that zipped closed. In extreme conditions, it held two grown men uncomfortably. In their case, it held two grown men and screaming baby and a crazy kitten _very_ uncomfortably. The two hours dragged on like two days.

No wonder he feels so drained.

He can hear the hum of the scanner making its way down his body and faint murmurs of Carson explaining to McKay about Ashri, but he can also see splashes of colors and hear the crash of waves.

John turns around, finding himself on a different sandy dune with an exquisite turquoise ocean surrounding all sides of a small tropical island. Sunlight sparkles on the crystalline water as wispy white clouds surf across the bright blue sky. A gentle breeze ruffles his hair as slim fingers slip into his hand, linking fingers with his.

He lifts her hand to his lips and kisses her palm. She smells of a sublime mixture of cinnamon and honey. "I don't think I can do this," he sighs, feeling the tears rising and too tired to stop them.

Together, they look out at the water.

"You will," she says softly. "You must."

"She needs you."

"And she will have me…through you, John. You must remember us…as we were not as we are." She leans her head against his shoulder, making his heart beat faster.

"I found this place inside you." She turns, taking his other hand in her free one and faces him. Glowing in the sunlight, her long black hair, without a hint of white, flows free on the breeze, her beautiful eyes search him, seeing everything inside him…accepting him. "Very serene. Calming."

Ashri looks over her shoulder, the sky darkens and the clouds roll, shifting into giant thunderheads as the breeze turns harsh and hot. Lightning zaps the sky and boils the ocean. She turns back to him, capturing his eyes with hers again. "This is what it has become."

"I don't understand."

"She feels-" Ashri motions to the malevolent turmoil surrounding them. "-this."

John opens his eyes. The scanner has barely made it to his waist. Only moments have passed, but it feels longer. He hasn't been this awake in days.

A few minutes later, Carson gives him the all clear and he gets off the table. McKay still holds A'shon, with her feet dangling in the air, but no worse for wear. She seems to be enjoying herself, continually gripping and releasing the man's nose or poking at his eyes with her tiny fingers.

Before McKay can return the baby, John holds up a hand and stops him. "What? No," McKay whins. "I have things to do…important calculations and data interpretations and…_anything else that doesn't involve a baby_."

"Just give me a moment, Rodney. I'm trying to figure out why she cries when I hold her."

"You need a shower? Cause…well, lets face it…you could use one."

"Rodney," Carson says. "Stop being an ass." Carson glances at John. "Sorry Colonel, didn't mean to curse in front of the lass."

John waves a hand. "Please. She's already smart enough to know he's an ass." He turns back to McKay. "She feels what I feel."

"You mean…you have the same emotional maturity of an infant? It's so big of you to admit something so terribly embarrassing."

"McKay."

"Really, Sheppard. I'm flabbergasted that you could come to terms with your-"

John narrows his gaze on the other man. "Don't make me shoot you."

McKay gapes at him. "You wouldn't."

Carson snickers. "Not while you're holding the baby. But we could remedy that, quite easily."

John sighs. "What are you thinking about right now?"

"Aside from possibly getting shot?"

"Yeah. Aside from that."

"Well, I was actually thinking about what I had for breakfast. It was quite tasty even in its blandness. I like to think that-"

John holds up a hand. "I should have known." He glances at Carson. "Had to be about food."

"What's that got to do with anything?" McKay asks.

"Let's just say your emotions might go so far as a deep dish pizza."

McKay glares at him. "Ahh ha ha ha…I'm so shallow…and yet…the baby likes me. Me, not you."

"So I've noticed."

A bulb seems to spark behind McKay's eyes and they pop wide open. "Oh…you need to find your happy place." McKay nods and hands over the baby. "You go do that. I'll get back to work."

John rests his daughter against his chest, trying to keep his emotions in check. Unfortunately, the baby is more in tune with her father's subconscious that he is. She starts crying and squirming the moment he takes hold of her.

Before disappearing around the corner, McKay looks back at them. "Sheppard…I'm sorry about Ashri." He seems about to leave again, then adds: "I remember the first time I saw her. A surreal vision…and as it pains me to admit…no woman has ever looked at me the way she looked at you. Pure, undiluted devotion." He glances at the baby then catches John's gaze. "And you had the same look for her." McKay steps out of sight.

The images come to his mind instantly: walking through the Stargate with Ashri's hand in his, her wonderment of the city, how proud he was to introduce her to Elizabeth – even though their handshake didn't go off without a hitch of static electricity.

A'shon stares up at him with those big hazel eyes. She stops crying. He fingers her thick black hair and pictures the times he combed Ashri's long tresses. He found his 'happy place' as McKay calls it. Just his luck, McKay had been the one to show him the way. _I'll never live that down_.


	6. Chapter 6

**Unforgiveable**

Elizabeth uses the touch pad and scrolls down the computer screen. She's been searching the database for hours now, but still hasn't come across anything remotely useful. How could the Ancients have survived for millions of years without increasing the population? They had to have at some point. Didn't they?

_A baby in Atlantis!_

That's one actuality that never occurred to Elizabeth before coming on the expedition. _Well, that and life-sucking alien vampires_. As expedition leader, she should have foreseen the possibility, given that everyone on the expedition has been screened and determined to be normal, healthy adults. She should have planned for it in some way; possibly even brought supplies for the contingency.

_It's not right, bringing a child into this mess._

Elizabeth presses the heel of her palms into her weary eyes. Nothing in this place feels right anymore. Not since John returned with Ashri from Luminance have things been right. Not that Elizabeth blames the other woman: _may she rest peacefully on her higher plain of existence_. She doesn't blame John either. She blames the circumstances. If Ashri had been able to stay on Atlantis, there wouldn't have been any need for secrecy. John would have been here to welcome his child. They all would have. There wouldn't have been any strain on her relationships with any of them.

Still, if John did know…he might have stayed away; given it all up for the family he didn't have waiting for him on Earth.

_No!_ Col. Sheppard's an honorable man. He would have done the right thing. She should have trusted him. But she hadn't and that's what keeps eating her alive, day and night.

She needs some sleep. It's been a long time since she's had a full night. Not since before the Wraith tried to take hold of the city. Even after they fought the deadly creatures off by managing to create the illusion that Atlantis had been purposely destroyed, Elizabeth can't let herself go and drop off into the endless realm she so desperately needs.

She fears the dreams. They were pleasant at first, but lately, they are cold, dark and frightening. She dreams of losing the rest of her team. She lost so many during the Wraith battle. Lost the all in another timeline, and that thought plagues her. She fears losing them more now than ever before. She cares for them more than she thought she would or could. It's the quiet that's going to destroy her. The every day challenges, accidents…possible re-exposure to the Wraith on routine missions.

For the longest time, Simon had been her family, her life outside of work. Now her family and work has combined, become an intricate part of each other. Her older self lived the loss of everyone and as she told them of her experience, Elizabeth _felt_ it. Really felt it, as if it was happening at that moment.

Twice now, she's lived with losing John. And both hurt her more than she wants to admit. He makes her feel safe. And when she believed him lost that first time, when Rodney told her he'd been struck by lightning on Luminance – and they couldn't return for him – it had been a physical blow.

The second time she heard of his death, he was sitting across from her at the conference table, listening along with her. The images in her mind were so powerful, so fresh…as her time-traveling older self shared the story of the expedition's disastrous end.

Elizabeth doesn't understand how or when it happened, but in the short time she's known John Sheppard, she's grown tremendously attached to him. Not romantically – Simon still holds her heart – but she counts on John more than anyone else; even more than Rodney. He tells her the truth, pushes her to extremes, and makes her think outside the box. He shows her a part of herself she tries to deny… sometimes a dangerous part.

And he's saved all their lives on numerous occasions, risking himself in the process. He truly is a hero for the ages, and as tragically poetic as that sounds, Elizabeth believes it.

He is the one person she can turn to in a crisis…and she's made him turn away. Elizabeth feels as if a part of her has been severed. She'll have to find a way to fix the damage she's caused.

Over the past year and a half, that fateful moment has played out in her head over and over.

She grabbed the report out of Carson's hands so fast, she gave him a paper cut. After reading it, she debated with herself for several minutes…but her head screamed at her what had to be done. In the moment she gave Carson the order, it was like she became two people. Her heart leapt with joy for John, but her head ordered control. It summoned all her strength and forced her to say the words. "Don't tell him."

"But, Dr. Weir…?" The horrified look on Carson's face should have been enough to rescind the order.

But her mind shouted: _No! John cannot know about this._ He'd make the wrong decision. He'd leave Atlantis to do what he feels is right. It would be wrong for him…for all of them. _Do not tell him…that's an order!_ "Carson. It's privileged," Elizabeth said. "I'm ordering you to keep it that way."

Carson's eyes widened. He looked desperately unhappy, but agreed to follow orders; though that became a wedge between them, one that still hasn't been removed. The wedge only deepened when John took it upon himself to deliver a nuclear bomb to one of the Wraith hive ships in orbit around Atlantis. Carson looked at her with the same betrayal. He knew she let John fly away without ever knowing the truth…that he had someone else to live for.

Several months back, Rodney came to her with the news that he had determined a way for John to check on Ashri by using a conduit planet. Elizabeth stopped him mid-sentence and ordered him not to speak of it further. The adamant refusal to even listen had been so unlike her, but once again the thought came into her head: _John cannot know._

And so, she remained quiet, and forced others to do the same. Rodney was perturbed simply because he couldn't convince her that his theory had merit, not so much because John wouldn't be able to travel to Luminance. Rodney merely wanted to prove himself correct, scientifically speaking, as usual.

It's possible John will never forgive her. Not that she can blame him. She can't even comprehend her reasoning for keeping the truth from him this long. She could have told him after the city was spared, but she didn't. He lost so much time with his own child. Not to mention Ashri.

Elizabeth saw the pain behind the anger in his eyes when he returned with the baby, having lost Ashri a second and final time. She wants so desperately to console him, be his friend, but the betrayal has cut him too deeply.

A year and a half ago, Elizabeth witnessed his love for Ashri the moment he introduced the woman with the Wraith-like palm. The two strangers spent weeks trapped together on Luminance, sharing everything, literally. Perhaps to the point of becoming one person. Ashri had saved his life, almost giving up hers to do so. And John instantly knew when she needed help…physically knew, and rushed across the city to her side.

When Elizabeth read his mission report, powerful emotions came across with every word. He was so protective of her and written so eloquently about her, Elizabeth wondered if John had ever been in love before. It made her a bit jealous of the beautiful alien woman. Not entirely because she had a rival for John's attention, but also because his adoration and devotion reminded Elizabeth of what she lost – gave up – when she decided to leave Simon for Atlantis.

And now John has a baby: a little girl; a bright, shining star in this darkening galaxy. Elizabeth never gave a thought to maternal instincts or a ticking clock. Her work has always been her baby. Now this expedition is basically her growing child. But A'shon's arrival makes everything so different. More difficult.

Scarier.

John has already shown his emotions sometimes rule his judgment. He'll go off on a gut instinct and do whatever needs to be done – to hell with orders. Usually the instinct serves him well, but what if…

What if A'shon can connect with him telepathically as Ashri had? What if, as a child, she can't control her abilities and can send him frantic, urgent messages that interrupt his dangerous work, or worse yet, make him overly cautious to the point of ineffectiveness?

What if this little girl becomes more attached to Rodney than to her own father? That would devastate John…possibly irrevocably.

So many things race through Elizabeth's mind. So many disastrous outcomes, her head starts to pound. _Focus!_

_There's a baby in Atlantis._ A new generation. Possibly with the same inherent abilities as her mother. This little girl is a treasure and should be raised as such. She'll be raised by a community; a gigantic, diverse family of Earthlings and Athosians. And someday…

_Maybe A'shon will forgive me_.


	7. Chapter 7

**This Crazy Universe**

John tracks his gaze from one side of the corridor to the other. He presses the control panel on the wall and the door slides open with a soft swish. He turns sharply, checking the room out: very small and no light, an empty supply closet. He closes the door and, moving with purpose, continues down the corridor alone. After a few minutes, he clicks his radio twice. "Ford, anything?"

Ford's voice comes over the ear-piece. "No sir."

"Stackhouse?" John says into the radio.

"I've got nothing, sir," Stackhouse replies.

John exhales heavily. "This isn't working."

"We're running out of time," Ford reminds him.

"I know," John says, not without a bit of irritation.

"Colonel," Teyla's voice comes over the radio in earnest and a bit breathless. "I've found something you need see immediately."

John hustles toward Teyla's location on the southwest side of the city. "On my way."

**

* * *

**

"…and that's when I decided to save the city for real," Rodney says. He speaks at his usual pace, not wanting to pretend to be someone he isn't, which he believes his audience of two appreciates.

He pulls a chair up to the infirmary bed so he can look directly into his companion's eyes as she sits upright on the bed with her best buddy, Tanis, who surprisingly never leaves the child's side. "Once I defeated the Genii, and sent them packing back to their planet, I figured what better time to bring up the shield. Of course, I had to wait until Teyla and Carson made it back to the safe area…Major Sheppard – the promotion is recent – seemed a little panicky, but agreed to wait for them a while longer."

"Ahhhh-yayaha!" she howls then slaps her hands on her bare knees.

"Oh, all right…your father wasn't _that_ panicky."

A'shon's eyes widen – if that is possible – and she presses her lips together, blowing a raspberry at him.

"Now listen, we already discussed the correct child-adult etiquette. There's to be no spitting from either of us."

"Nanananana." Again she punctuates the baby-babble with a solid double-knee slap.

Tanis mews and rubs his cheek against A'shon's shoulder making her giggle.

Is it really babble? She certainly seems quite capable of understanding him. Carson and Elizabeth told him about Ashri's telepathic abilities. It isn't such a reach to assume A'shon inherited the same.

Rodney shakes his head. _Now that's a thought worth considering._ An infant capable of reading the minds of adults _and_ comprehend what she learns? _Impossible_. Rodney looks into her huge hazel eyes again and she lowers her chin to hold his gaze.

_Maybe…_

A'shon has been on Atlantis a week now and seems to be fitting in nicely. Rodney hasn't seen half the people on the expedition as much as he has this past week. Men and women have come to "ooh" and "aah" over the newest member of the Atlantis expedition. It seems A'shon's arrival is also the cause of great celebration for the Athosians. News of the baby made it to the mainland, and though few Athosians come to the city these days, they do send thoughtful wishes and congratulations to Col. Sheppard. Rodney senses an overwhelming…peace amongst the Atlanteans these days. Well, there are a few exceptions.

_Sheppard_. Rodney grimaces; he rarely feels sorry for people…well that's not entirely true, he routinely feels sorry for less intelligent people. In this case, however, he does feel bad for Sheppard. The loss of Ashri has hit the man hard. Even gaining a daughter couldn't soften that blow. Especially since said child can actually feel his grief. If he wants his daughter to be happy, he has to push aside his mourning. _Very unhealthy._

So, it's not such a bad thing to be helping out with the tyke once in a while. At least that's what Kate – Dr. Heightmeyer – told him the other day. And listening to Kate can only end in something good. With Sheppard off on one of his city walk-abouts with the rest of the team, Rodney has once again been drafted into sitting service. But as much as he grumbles, it's a nice change talking with someone who can't contradict him or question the voracity of his theories. He catches A'shon watching him again. _Or can she?_

"It's truly ironic," he starts. He is about to go on with his theory of the crazy universe: how he has something Sheppard should have – ability to bond with the baby without having to concentrate to the point of embolism – and Sheppard has exactly what Rodney should have – ability to use the Ancient technology without having to concentrate to the point of embolism. "If the universe wasn't so bent on creating conflict where none needs to be, everyone would be happily going about their business. "But no-"

An unpleasant odor rises in the air and Rodney pinches his nose. "Oh, now what'd you go and do?" A'shon giggles as she bounces on the bed, slapping at the metal railings blocking her escape. Even little Tanis – blue eyes wide open and always watchful – has taken the opportunity to move to the other end of the bed and wrap his gray tail with white stripes over his nose. Sheppard first said the cat resembles a white tiger, but Rodney must disagree. He's definitely part Siamese, though with a round-shaped head and stripes like a tabby. He's always liked cats. They're not as needy as dogs, have a sense of propriety and they carefully choose the people they wish to be around.

He can't ignore the stench any longer. With a heavy sigh, Rodney gets up and lays the baby on her back. He peels apart the cloth diaper Ashri fashioned by hand and included in the bundle Sheppard brought back from Luminance. It is the last of five such diapers in existence and the other four are still stewing in the wash, somewhere only Sheppard knows. _Great! _Rodney holds his breath as he pulls the foul wrap away from the kid. "This is not what I signed on to this expedition for."

* * *

Elizabeth pops out of her chair, nearly knocking it over in her haste. She rushes from her office to the main control board. She almost calls to Peter and then remembers…Peter's gone. Dr. Felnik is taking Grodin's place in the control room; a nice man, a great scientific mind, but not as personable or funny as Peter. He has a heavy Indian accent behind his English and sometimes she needs him to repeat things in order to understand him. She misses the young Brit every day. "Dr. Felnik?"

"Good afternoon, Dr. Weir. Is there something I can do for you?"

"I need the city schematic pulled up."

"Done," Felnik says as he presses a button on the large console.

"Now overlay the bio-signs sensors." Felnik presses another button and several white dots appear on the large screen. Elizabeth stares at it, looking over the city plans. She points to a glowing dot on the west side of the city. "Who's that?"

Dr. Felnik clicks his radio. "Control room to scout team. Who is in sector W12 level 5?"

"This is Teyla. I am in that sector," she says over the radio.

Elizabeth nods and clicks on her own headset. "Teyla, this is Dr. Weir. I need you to check something for me."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Weir, this is not a good time. Col. Sheppard will be here any moment. I have found something-"

Elizabeth takes a deep breath and raises her brows. _It's about time_. They've been searching the city for nearly five hours. "I understand. It can wait. Before you leave the area, let me know."

"I will."

"Thank you, Teyla." Elizabeth clicks off her radio.

Among her colleagues "in the know", at least Teyla has remained cordial to Elizabeth. Well, Rodney too, but he runs hot and cold depending on how much food is available. Perhaps the Athosian woman understands Elizabeth's actions regarding Ashri and John. Maybe she can even explain them to Elizabeth. Or perhaps Teyla merely feels sorry for her current predicament. Either way, Elizabeth appreciates the effort Teyla makes to keep their camaraderie alive.

**

* * *

**

Rodney searches through the bag for something to clean A'shon up with while the baby lays on the bed, legs and arms in the air, fingers grasping at her toes. Finally, he turns the bag upside down and dumps all the contents on the end of the bed. "Nothing useful! What am I supposed to do with you now?" A'shon gurgles and coos as if trying to tell him something. Rodney figures since she's Sheppard's kid, she's probably making fun of him in her own pre-verbal way. He sighs heavily. "You're enjoying this whole naked thing. Why don't you stay that way?"

"Because her father might find reason to harm you," Carson says as he comes into the infirmary.

"There you are. What took so long?"

Carson sets a heavy roll of thick woven material on the counter. "I'm not the best jumper pilot, Rodney. Getting to and from the mainland is very nerve racking for me."

Rodney fingers the material. "Is this all you got? It's too rough for her skin. She'll get chapped…everything."

"Calm down." Carson unrolls the wrap, revealing yards of diverse materials, from a heavy cotton-like quilt to a silk-scarf quality and a couple of sealed bronze jars. "The Athosian ladies came in quite handy. I think they're busy making plans for a shower."

Rodney grimaces. "A baby shower?"

"Aye." A'shon pulls her big toe into her mouth and sucks on it. "Isn't she the sweetest creature in the galaxy?" Carson grins, rubbing the back of a finger over her cheek.

"She's stinky-"

Carson reaches into a cabinet and pulls out some antiseptic aloe wipes. "This is my personal stash, Rodney, don't abuse them."

Rodney tries to see inside the cabinet before Carson shuts it. "What else are you hording in there?"

"Nothing you need to worry yourself about. Now clean up the lass so we can get her suited up nice and proper for when her daddy returns."

**

* * *

**

John steps out of the transporter that's taken him to Teyla's location. He races down the corridor and finds her standing guard beside a closed door. "In there," she says with a side-ways head bob.

"You're sure?"

Teyla gives a solid nod. "Yes."

John takes a deep breath, holds it, returns her nod and places a hand over the control panel. The door swishes open and John nearly falls over in shock.

**

* * *

**

"Yes, dear daddy's off on one of his many adventures," Rodney groans to the kid as he pulls out one of the wipes and plies it to the baby's bottom with as little effort as possible.

"You'll never get her clean that way," Carson says.

"If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a baby person."

"Everyone's noticed. You're not exactly a _people_ person." Carson grabs a fresh wipe and effortlessly cleans up the baby. "Now, there you go li'l lady."

Rodney shakes one of the jars. "What's this?"

Carson's smile widens. "Amazing, actually. Athosian form of baby powder. Similar to corn starch. Very absorbent and non-irritating."

"As long as she's not allergic to it."

"Such the pessimist, Rodney.

A'shon sputters raspberries at them even with her toes still in her mouth. Rodney looks down his nose at her, mentally tisking her for the spitting. A'shon grins at him around her big toe.

"Here we go," Carson grabs the bottle from him, undoes the cap and sprinkles some on the baby. "Don't you smell lovely, now." A'shon giggles. Carson cocks his head. "You know, I think she understands me sometimes."

"That's just ridiculous."

Carson considers Rodney for a moment. "You too, huh?"

Rodney rolls his eyes and nods side-to-side. "Maybe a little."

"Well, she has chosen you as her-"

Rodney raises a hand in defense. "Don't you dare call me that word."

"Na…friend. You should feel privileged."

Rodney snorts. "Ah, yessss. I feel so privileged to bathe, change and burp Sheppard's pride and joy."

Carson scratches the kitten behind the ears. "You get to spend time with this wee one as well. Which I know you like." Tanis licks Carson's hand. "Have you looked into his eyes, Rodney? I'm starting to wonder about this one's mental abilities too."

"Everyone knows cats are psychic," Rodney says without sarcasm. The look on Carson's face suggests he's wondering about Rodney's mental status. "It's a common fact. One which even you can't argue..." He motions to Tanis. "Considering what you were just saying."

Carson nods. "Right you are."

"Ppfffppllll." A'shon releases one foot and pulls the other one up to her face. Her eyes focus on the tips of her toes and she taps at them with her palm. All the while her smile grows, exposing two adorable dimples in her cheeks.

"She's quite the charmer, isn't she?" Carson grins at her.

"Ahhahahahah!" she bellows, smiling and flapping her hands and feet in the air. Her big hazel eyes seem to turn all green as she gazes up at Rodney.

Rodney swallows a chuckle, crosses his arms over his chest and looks down his nose at her again. "I suppose."

Carson sets the bronze jars aside and flips through the Athosian material, pulling out one tan section. "I think this one will be best for diapers."

Rodney feels the stuff between his thumb and forefinger. "It's thick enough. Soft. It'll do."

"We don't have time to sew the ends, so it may fray. But for now, we'll cut it into square patches and fasten with safety pins."

"Very retro." Rodney pokes A'shon in the belly and she spits out an abbreviated giggle-hiss. "No super-absorbent plastic covered diapers with alien invented Velcro tabs for you little one."

Carson's brows crease. "Do you really think we stole Velcro from an alien civilization?"

Rodney motions to everything around them, indicating the entire city. "Well, yeah."

**

* * *

**

Though no windows are open, a gentle breeze ruffles Teyla's hair as she takes a step inside and comes up behind Col. Sheppard. Lights rise as the sensors recognize their presence, filling the room with a bright yellow-white glow. A pleasant scent wafts passed her though the space has been closed off for centuries. It also doesn't feel as musty or cold as the other rooms she's checked.

Col. Sheppard stares at the floor to ceiling windows over-looking the ocean and the blazing dusk on the horizon. "Colonel?"

He sighs heavily and nods. "Yeah."

"Is it acceptable?"

"It's huge," he says, clearly as astonished as she was at first sight.

The quarters have two sleeping areas and a front room, all with high ceilings, tall windows and a balcony. Teyla has never seen such a luxurious place. She imagines Col. Sheppard feels the same awe she does. "Do you," she comes up beside him. "Smell something?"

A soft, dreamy smile slowly raises the corners of his mouth and the lines around his eyes deepen. "Cinnamon and honey."


	8. Chapter 8

**No Place Like Home**

"I'm not very comfortable with this, Teyla," Elizabeth says. She leans back in her chair and watches the other woman. "You must know that keeping secrets from Col. Sheppard isn't the best move. He tends to find out."

"What he doesn't know will not hurt him. I am sure I have heard that expression from many of your people while I have been on Atlantis. Sometimes information can be…unimportant."

Elizabeth sighs. "Or life altering." She takes a deep breath and holds it. "You realize what kind of position you're putting me in? Given the recent events…"

"I do. And I apologize. But it is for a good reason." Teyla leans forward in her own chair, resting her forearms on the desk. "I realize how much you regret withholding the information about Ashri's pregnancy from him. I see how you struggle with that decision every day. And I refuse to judge you. It is not my place. Being a leader, you had to choose how best to care for your entire people, not just one person."

"Would you have done the same?" Elizabeth debated on whether or not to ask the Athosian woman her opinion. She chose to take the risk and live with the answer.

Teyla leans back and thinks on that a moment. "No. I do not believe I would have. But my decision would not have been based on anything other than my own upbringing. One far different than yours. Family is all and must stay together." She looks Elizabeth in the eyes. "It would have been the wrong choice."

"You think so?"

"I do. Col. Sheppard's place was and is on Atlantis with the rest of the team. He was absolutely necessary in saving the city from the Wraith and I believe he knows this to be true."

Elizabeth nods. She's been telling herself that for months. Even hearing it from Teyla, though, doesn't take the stain from her heart. Elizabeth's head and her heart might never come to terms with what she did; what her silence cost John.

Teyla seems to understand where Elizabeth is coming from and says: "Let me handle this situation. The responsibility will be mine alone."

Elizabeth temples her fingers under her chin and after a moment, nods. "Okay. But if he does ask me…I won't withhold. Not again."

Teyla smiles as she stands. "I understand."

**

* * *

**

John stares at his food, pushing it around his plate with a fork. It isn't bad – not great either – but not bad. He just doesn't feel like eating, or drinking…or talking. He had another session with Dr. Heightmeyer, talking about his feelings and how he's sleeping.

He mentioned how his days seem to blend into each other with nothing really happening. She asked about the new quarters and he admitted the move has perked him up a bit. He told her about feeling Ashri the first time he entered the front room. The honey and cinnamon scent. Like a good psychiatrist, she listened and managed not to make him feel crazy.

But, Dr. Heightmeyer said something that irked him to the core and he nearly jumped down her throat. She suggested that the reason his anger against Dr. Weir hasn't abated is because deep down, he agrees with her decision. John only glared at the good doctor, but inside he'd been screaming like a banshee. He can't stomach that thought. No way does he believe Elizabeth was right in keeping Ashri and his daughter from him. _No way!_

John gets up from the cafeteria table, leaving his uneaten lunch behind and heads into the city for a walkabout. With any luck, he won't run into a single person who wants to chat and he can simply sulk like any grown man.

He can hear the city hum with life as he moves through the empty corridors. Ever since he arrived in Atlantis, he's felt a connection to the place, like he'd been born to come here. Not that his coming hadn't screwed up the galaxy royally. He awoke the Wraith and in doing so caused the deaths of millions of people – and more to come.

Elizabeth tried to warn him that very day. Tried to tell him that going off on a rescue mission could lead to even worse problems. He refused to listen. He trusted his gut and went for it. She'd been right. She'd been right about a lot of things. But she wasn't right in this case. _There's just no way_. John shakes his head trying to dislodge Dr. Heightmeyer's words continually ringing inside over and over.

"You can't imagine getting away with it," Carson says in that heavy Scottish accent. John can't see the doctor until he rounds the corner. Then he sees who Carson is speaking too: Teyla.

"It's the only way, doctor. We cannot let this opportunity-"

Carson looks John's way and touches Teyla's hand as discreetly as possible, but John still sees it. "Colonel, out for a stroll are you?"

"Looks like. What's up with you two?"

Teyla smiles at John, but her eyes don't light up as usual. "It is nothing. A minor disagreement."

"I think not, lass." Carson crosses his arms. "I'm holding my ground on this one. You can't expect me to stand by and let you get away with this."

Teyla turns her gaze toward Carson and John can swear he sees daggers shooting from her eyes.

"What's the problem? Teyla?"

Carson steps away from the Athosian woman. "She's mad, Colonel. I simply can't stomach the idea of doing that to a healthy baby."

"Dr. Beckett!" Teyla growls.

John glances between them. "What's going on here? What are you talking about?"

Carson looks over his shoulder back at Teyla. "_She_ wants to pierce A'shon's ears." Teyla's brows nearly pop off her forehead and her eyes bug out.

"You want to what?" John can't believe _his_ ears.

Teyla makes a face at Carson then sets her mouth in a tight line. "It was supposed to be a surprise."

John shakes his head, trying to keep the situation as light as possible. "Teyla…"

She steps over to him, her smile beseeching understanding. "It is an Athosian tradition, Colonel. All first born to a new lineage are bejeweled-"

"Wait. What?" John smiles politely. "No. Thank you, Teyla…for wanting to include A'shon in your tradition…but I don't think it is a necessary…I just don't think it's necessary."

Teyla sighs. "I see." She drops her gaze to the floor, but John catches a slight smiles before she bites her bottom lip and it vanishes. "Very well." She looks at Carson again. "Thank you, Dr. Beckett."

"You're very welcome," he retorts with a bit of attitude and smug grin. As soon as Teyla leaves them alone, Carson sighs and nods to John. "Nice to see you, Colonel. I need to get back to the lab." Carson turns-tail and hustles in the opposite direction toward the infirmary.

John raises his brows. Huh. _Was that a dismissal_? With a quick shake of his head, he continues down the corridor to the nearest transporter. Maybe a different level will give him the silence he seeks.

* * *

Ford looks over Dr. Zelenka's shoulder and sighs heavily. Zelenka stops working on the computer. He can't concentrate with people standing too close to him, especially uppity young military men who think they can kick his butt. Zelenka hides a secret smile. He took Judo in college. "If you think you can do this any better, Lieutenant, I suggest you take over."

"Dr. Weir wants us both to work on it. Don't get all huffy, doc, I just think your dimensions are off, that's all."

"And you know this because?"

"I've spent some time with tech specs. As a kid I used to build model cars."

"This is a bit different."

"Not by much. Look there, that plank should be at least a yard and a half."

"No, that's too big. One yard is plenty."

Ford huffs. "Maybe I should do it myself."

Zelenka throws up his hands. "Be my guest. It's not like I know anything about three dimensional manipulation, geometry or physics."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Zelenka turns and stares blankly at the young man. "Are you sure you went to college?"

**

* * *

**

Starlight slowly fills the darkening sky as John stands on the balcony of his and A'shon's new quarters, basking in the fresh ocean air and watching the waves lap against the city hundreds of feet below. This isn't simply their new apartment…this is home.

His walk around the city led him straight here. Looking over the sparkling vista, John finds some peace…and definitely quiet.

Something's up in the city; people arguing over little things. And he always seems to be interrupting conversations, like nobody wants him around. Not a problem, he doesn't really want to be around right now – too many things plaguing his thoughts, especially that last session with Heightmeyer.

John finds solace in his new view. The moment Teyla showed him this place, he knew it was right. The giant apartment with its coral colored walls, floor to ceiling windows – the side ones made of gorgeous stained glass – and spectacular view would have sold him, but the scent wafting in the air when he stepped through the door made the deal solid. He felt her immediately. He smelled her. She brought him home at last.

Ashri had been here, waiting for him. As he entered, she passed by as gentle as the sea breeze does now. He can't prove it, and Teyla only mentioned the scent, but John _knew_. He just knew. Cinnamon and honey, he'll never forget that combination.

Though the natural soaps and oils Ashri created from the plant life on Luminance didn't have the same names, John recognized them. And he finally realizes what Rodney had been prattling on about. Most worlds that can sustain human life evolve within the same relative parameters, though Luminance had been slightly different. Which means most of the plants and animals on Earth can theoretically be found on any number of planets in the Pegasus Galaxy. And without humans to over-populate or destroy habitats, those natural resources should be in enormous supply.

Just like the T-Rex on that one planet. With no asteroid to wipe out the dinosaurs on Earth, mankind would never have evolved and moved to the top of the food chain.

Tanis is a different matter, however. There's something about that furball. John can't quite place it, but that cat makes him feel…odd. Like he's being watched, judged even. And the fact that he never sees the kitten anywhere outside of A'shon's presence just reminds him of Ashri's words. "Tanis is A'shon's Sheba." Unconditional love. That's all anyone can want for their children. It's what Ashri wants for her daughter.

Their living quarters had been beyond cramped; hence the change in space. And without provisions for babies like cribs and stuff, or a litter box for a cat, John and his team had to think creatively – as in, one of the large crates that once housed dry food goods now functions as a playpen-crib. And a smaller solid crate with no holes and some shredded paper makes a good old smelly cat box. John keeps that in the bathroom.

In the crib, they stuffed pillows and blankets, creating a mattress and shoved the thing between his bed and the wall. It's tall enough and fits snugly in the space that should his burgeoning genius figure out how to stand and climb within the same time span, she'll have to crawl over daddy to get anywhere. John can even reach down into it in the middle of the night and rub her belly, making sure A'shon sleeps peacefully on her back; and reassure himself that she is still there.

Over the past couple of weeks, John's managed to get into a daily routine with his little girl, and even managed to get some quality nap time out of the deal. Weir put him on family leave for the duration…though he is itching to get back to work. Nothing drives his emotions deeper to ground than being in life threatening situations…or job required adventures as he prefers to think of them.

Not that A'shon is bothered to be away from him. She seems perfectly content to hang out with any other adults; especially Rodney. Who'd have guessed that one? John winces at the thought. He doesn't want to begrudge Rodney's ability to connect with the baby, but it still stings. _His_ little girl and he can barely hold her.

He's lost people before and grieved for them then put the feelings aside, somewhere deep enough that they can't reach out and take hold of him when he needs to be strong. He did that with Sheba and he's doing it with Ashri. Unfortunately, his little girl can find those secret hiding places with as much ease as John found using the Ancient technology back in Antarctica; it simply happens without trying. And those feelings hurt her deeply.

John hates himself for not being stronger. Not having the power to keep his emotions in check for the sake of his daughter. He has to find a way. Whenever he comes in close contact with her, he looks into her beautiful eyes, revels in her smile and the dark hair she inherited from her mother. He also thinks of the time he spent with Ashri, remembering what it felt like to share himself with her, to feel her inside his head and how easily it had been to fall in love with her. But as much as he tries to keep them alive, those memories are fading. And the ones replacing them are filled with anger, betrayal and the pain of losing her.

Dr. Heightmeyer told him he can't push his feelings aside and expect to heal. But that's exactly what he has to do if he wants to protect his baby girl.

John wraps his fingers around the railing and squeezes while leaning heavily on his arms until his muscles tighten to the point of popping. He shuts his eyes tight and breathes through his nose. _What am I going to do?_

"Love her, John."

John opens his eyes and spins around. No one has joined him. Taking a step away from the railing, his presence propels the sliding doors to open into the living area. No one waits inside.

"Ashri?" No answer. He stands in place and looks around the large front room, taking it in again – and trying to get his mind off of hearing voices – few pieces of furniture decorated the place: a coffee table of sorts, a couple sofas and chairs and a book shelf; same with the bedrooms, very Spartan, but comfortably so. John doesn't have many possessions, but with a growing child, he figures the place will be cluttered to destruction soon enough.

A two-toned jingle pulls his attention. "Yeah?" The front door slides open and Rodney comes inside carrying John's precious cargo. "There's dada," Rodney says, ready to hand over the baby. It's taken a while, but the scientist finally gave in to the correct way of carrying a child. A'shon rides on Rodney's hip, his arm around her back. He bounces her as they walk.

John reaches for A'shon and she comes to him without hesitation. He thinks he sees a smile too. He holds her the same way Rodney did so she can see both of them and not have to stare at the wall over John's shoulder. John wrinkles his brows. "Where's Tanis?"

Rodney shakes his head. "You're not going to believe this." He turns around and John sees the tiny kitten clinging to the bag of his jacket. All four claws are securely stuck in the material and the cat seems perfectly content to be perched like that.

"You're right. That's a see for yourself kind of thing, all right." John gently grips the cat by the fur at the base of his neck. The kitten immediately releases his hold on Rodney's jacket and mews. John settles him on the opposite shoulder so A'shon can see him. Her eyes sparkle and she coos the minute the kitten is in sight.

"We three had a couple of adventures, didn't we?" Rodney says, tickling A'shon's cheek. "We had lunch and took a ride on the transporter." To John, he adds: "Seems these two and I have the same kind of tastes, though theirs are more of the processed soupy kind."

"Oh yeah? Just wait until you're old and gray, A'shon will be saying something similar about you." He sniffs the baby's soft hair. "You smell nice. Did you get a bath too?"

Rodney crosses his arms and wrinkles his brow. "I don't ever plan on being that old. I'm sure I'll discover some hidden ancient secret on longevity and outlive everyone here."

"Fountain of youth?"

"Something like that." Rodney cocks his head. "Should I come across this bounty, I'd be more than willing to share, of course."

"Of course."

"For the right price."

John narrows his gaze and A'shon turns her head and giggles into his ear. "McKay?"

"I want out of diaper duty."

A'shon turns back to look at Rodney. "Yahayayaya," she says. It sounds ridiculously happy to John so he takes it as such. _She's making fun of him._ Like father like daughter.

John sighs and supplies Rodney with his beseeching puppy eyes. "But she likes you so much. And you're so good at it."

Rodney holds up his hands. "These are important instruments to the survival of this city. I cannot have them…contaminated with that…stuff. Ever again."

A'shon blows air between her lips. Rodney glares – playfully, John hopes – at the baby. "Was that a raspberry, little lady? I thought we discussed-"

"McKay?" Rodney pulls his eyes from the baby and John continues: "Where's the bag?"

Rodney tosses a thumb over his shoulder. "I left that in the infirmary. Carson got some more of that Athosian material and he and some of the nurses are busily sewing new diapers and stuffing them into it. The same diapers I no longer want to change."

"I get it. But you did say she just ate."

"Yes."

"So…she's going to be needing a change."

"You want me to go get the bag?"

"Could you?"

"Well, sure, it's only a transporter ride away. Very convenient finding this place so close to one." Rodney looks passed John and out the windows, then his eyes travel over the entire front room. "Wow! I didn't even notice the view." He steps to the right and the first bedroom door opens and he pokes his head inside. "Are you sure this is the right place for you?" He looks inside the second room next door. "I mean-" He pops his head back out and looks at John. "I'm certain there are other rooms available that would be better suited to-"

"Rodney?"

"Yeah?"

"The bag."

"Oh, right. I'll be right back."

**

* * *

**

"Dr. Beckett," Sergeant Stackhouse calls, his voice rather urgent.

Carson sets his work aside and shuffles over to the infirmary bed. The young man certainly seems out of his element. Poor kid's been shoved this way and that since coming to Atlantis, probably had no idea he'd be pressed into service like this. Carson examines the military man's work. "There now, you're doin' fine lad."

"I don't think so, doctor. I'm not that deft with a needle and thread, especially a needle this small."

"It's just stitches, not major surgery." Carson checks the gaping hole. "You've got some insides escaping out at the bottom, keep it packed tight."

Stackhouse groans. He grabs some sterile cotton pads and gently pushes them into the hole. "Don't know how you talked me into this." He knots another stitch.

"I don't want the skin to pucker."

Stackhouse wipes his brow with the sleeve of his jacket. "Why don't you have a nurse doing this?"

"We're all busy, son. We're down to the wire and I'm running short on staff. Please continue." He smiles slyly. "You wouldn't want your patient to get mad, would you?" Stackhouse rolls his eyes. "Hold that. Try to keep pressure here" – Carson points at one end of the open area – "and here. Press the edges together. He'll be just fine."

"If you say so."

Carson grins. "I do. Now, get back to it, we don't have much time left."

**

* * *

**

John hears voices in the hallway outside his apartment and opens the door, seeing McKay and Teyla coming his way. McKay doesn't look thrilled. "I don't think you comprehend the delicate nature of – oh, Sheppard."

"McKay." John looks to Teyla, she seems a bit exasperated. "Teyla?"

"Good evening, Colonel."

"Teyla, how many times do I have to tell you, call me John when we're off duty?"

"I apologize. John." Teyla looks around him. "Where is the little one?"

"In her crib, waiting for Uncle Rodney to return with supplies." Rodney offers the bag to John, but he waves the scientist off. "A'shon's really looking forward to seeing her Uncle Rodney again."

McKay drops his arm and glares at John. "I thought we discussed this."

"Yes, we did." John raises his brows. "I've decided I don't want to live forever." He motions into the apartment. "Have fun."

"I'm gonna get you for this," McKay grumbles.

John watches Rodney go inside. "And my little dog too?" When he looks back at Teyla, she has that familiar bemused-confused look she often gets when John and Rodney bicker.

"What is a dog?"

"It's a furry animal that barks and wags its tail…chases Frisbees." She doesn't look any less confused. "Earth people keep them as pets."

"And you brought this creature with you?"

John smiles. "I wish. Just another movie reference for McKay's sake."

"I see."

"Would you like to come in and see the baby?"

"Actually, I need your assistance. Could you fly me over to the mainland tomorrow? I need to speak with Halling."

John narrows his eyes. "Me? Couldn't Carson or McKay?"

"Dr. McKay…was not very open to the idea. And I have previously flown with Dr. Beckett on several occasions." She smiles politely. "If it would not be too much of an inconvenience, I would truly appreciate placing my life in more…experienced hands."

John nods, mentally adding an exaggerated: ahhhhh. "Sure. No trouble."

"Sheppard!" Mckay hollers.

John hooks a thumb over his shoulder. "I should probably see what's eating away at McKay's hands."

"I will see you tomorrow then?"

"Absolutely."

"Thank you Col…John. And good night."

"Good night, Teyla." John watches as she heads toward the transporter then goes back inside only to hear McKay howl.

"Ahhh! Gross!"

John smiles and closes the door.


	9. Chapter 9

**One True Path**

Elizabeth stares out her office window at the dormant Stargate. For the sake of all her team members, she's suspended gate travel for a short time. After all they've been through, everyone needs a break from the daily adventures into dangerous territory.

Some of the scientists welcome a chance to visit the mainland in order to collect samples and runs tests. Others are exploring the city or merely staying in their quarters and relaxing for a couple of days before returning to their various posts. No one is taking advantage of the time-off to any extreme; that's the thing with scientists, they actually find relaxing stressful.

Elizabeth remains on duty. The moment she tries to relax, all of her mistakes wash through her mind, leaving her breathless and depressed. She has to focus on the good things happening around her every day.

The past couple of weeks have been very quiet, with the exception of the buzz about baby A'shon. She seems to be fitting in very well, Wraith palm and all. In fact, Elizabeth hasn't heard a single mention about the baby's extra-normal hand, not even a hint that she can use it for anything. _Of course, she's still young_.

Carson wants to run more tests, though approaching John about that has been less than successful. Instead, Carson's settling for studying A'shon's DNA, which would take years on Earth, but with the Atlantian computers, maybe a couple of months at most. Carson wonders if baby might hold a key to defeating the Wraith. After all, her mother was fed upon as a fetus and yet she survived…

_Ashri_. Elizabeth wonders about her quite a bit lately, too. She never got a chance to know the woman, but somehow feels very connected to her; maybe because of John; or maybe because she knows what it means to give up the man she loves for a higher purpose. Had they been given a chance to know each other, Elizabeth is confident she and Ashri would have been close friends.

She tries to wrap her mind around one thought: someone she actually met, even if briefly, ascended just like the Ancients. It leaves Elizabeth with a glimmer of hope that one day humans might thwart death and become something new and extraordinary. _Well, maybe not all of us._

Rolling her head in a slow three-sixty around her shoulders and stretching her stiff neck, Elizabeth sighs and turns from the view of the gate. She checks her watch as she walks out of the office. She sidles up to Dr. Felnik and says, "It's time." The scientist nods and presses the city-wide intercom button so she can speak to everyone. "Attention. This is Dr. Weir. Condition yellow. I repeat we are at condition yellow." She gives Felnik a curt nod and he cuts off transmission.

The announcement sends an electric shock through all of the city inhabitants; each one having a task to fulfill immediately. "How much time do you think we have?" Felnik asks.

"An hour, maybe."

Felnik nods and checks his screen. "Jumper three inbound and ready for docking."

"Good." She returns to her office and drops heavily into her chair. "I hope we're doing the right thing."

**

* * *

**

"You're doing it wrong," Carson complains as Elizabeth enters the infirmary forty minutes after the announcement. She sees Rodney's back as he hovers over a medical bed.

"He's too big and…mushy. It's harder than it looks. Why don't you do it?"

Carson gives the other man a slight shoulder-shove. "Very well. Get back."

As soon as Rodney moves, Elizabeth sees what has caused the friction and swallows a chuckle. "Thought you were done with diaper duty, Rodney."

He huffs in his usual perturbed manner. "I am. But no one around here seems to believe me."

"Ayahayahaya!" A'shon bellows from her sitting post on the other bed against the wall. For added emphasis, she slaps her palms on the metal railing holding her hostage. Only inches away from the baby, the beautiful kitten, Tanis, lays curled in a ball, big blue eyes open, watching. Always on alert, this one, it seems to Elizabeth. The kitten catches her watching and turns to lock his gaze onto hers. Elizabeth feels the hair on the back of her neck tingle. There's something decidedly different about this cat, though it could just be the fact that she's a dog person and Tanis knows it. "Dddiioodduddd," A'shon says with a bit of attitude it seems.

Rodney turns to his right and goes over to the child. "Is that so? You wanna go little one?" He holds up his fists and mock jabs at the baby, gently poking her in the belly with his pinky finger, making her giggle.

"There, all done," Carson says, backing away from the first bed and clapping his hands. "What do you think?"

Elizabeth nods. "Very stylish." Carson smiles with extreme dimples. Sometime in the past week or so, he managed to stop being so angry with her. Grateful for his change of heart as she is, Elizabeth can tell he hasn't forgiven her. He does understand, however, and that is a step in a direction towards reconciliation.

"Attention," Felnik's voice comes over the city-wide intercom. "Condition red. We are at condition red."

All three check their watches. Rodney's eyes bounce between the others. "So soon?"

"We're not ready!" Carson adds.

Elizabeth taps her headset. "Dr. Felnik, this is Weir. What's the situation?"

"I'm sorry Dr. Weir. I didn't catch them in time."

"I see." She clicks off the radio and looks at Carson and Rodney. "We won't be going anywhere for now." She points to the other gurney. "Better hide that." Carson jumps into action and does exactly as she says.

"Bykkksss," A'shon sputters.

Elizabeth steps closer to the baby girl. She keeps her distance out of respect for John's decision, but still feels drawn to the motherless child. "Do you get the impression she knows exactly what's going on?"

"Join the club," Carson says.

Rodney gives a little wave. "I'm president."

Elizabeth considers the ten month old baby. Teyla admitted not feeling comfortable around the child; though she has yet to discuss her feelings with John. Perhaps the Athosian woman still feels burdened by the after-affects of connecting to the Wraith during the attack on Atlantis. Elizabeth smiles at the baby. _Just give Teyla time. She'll fall in love with you as everyone else has_.

John made it quite clear that Elizabeth can't hold A'shon, so she doesn't even try to pick the baby up. She does, however, squat next to the make-shift crib and look the little one in the eyes. She definitely has John's pretty eyes; and his dimples. This little one's going to be a big heartbreaker…_like her father._ She pushes that last thought aside. Elizabeth's smile widens in response to A'shon's then the baby happily bangs her hands against the railing again, bobbing up and down and rasping with giggles.

"She likes you," Rodney says over Elizabeth's shoulder. Grinning broadly, Elizabeth glances up at him. Then the infirmary doors part and John rushes inside, Teyla follows close behind.

"You see," Teyla says. "Nothing is wrong."

Elizabeth catches a dangerous look from John and instantly backs away from the baby. He comes over and picks up the little girl. For a brief moment, A'shon seems eager and happy to be with her father, but she starts squirming to get away within seconds. "Teyla?" Elizabeth raises her brows.

Teyla smiles tightly. "The Colonel requested we return immediately. He had a… feeling that A'shon needed him."

Elizabeth's eyes widen as she glances at Rodney and Carson. "Really?"

Rodney shoves his hands in his pockets. "Any particular feeling, Colonel?"

John studies his daughter. "Urgent."

"A panicky urgent or an 'I have to pee urgent'?" Rodney asks.

John flashes an irritated look then creased his brows. "More excited, I guess. Like she wanted to show me something."

"Oh?" Carson eyes dance around the room, landing on Teyla. She shrugs and mouths a _sorry_ for everyone but John to see.

John looks at each of them. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Carson and Rodney say in unison.

"Out for a stroll," Elizabeth adds.

"Cleaning equipment," Carson says.

"Changing diapers," Rodney says with a burdened sigh.

"And everything's been okay?"

"She's an angel," Elizabeth says too quickly, forgetting for a moment that she isn't welcome around the baby.

John glares at her and within seconds A'shon begins whimpering and crying. Elizabeth knows as everyone else does that the baby can feel John's emotions, but being such a tiny creature, she has no way of processing those overwrought feelings. She also knows she's the reason for any discontent on the Colonel's part at this particular moment, so it's best to cut and run. Elizabeth nods to Carson and Rodney and heads for the door. Teyla touches Elizabeth's arm as she passes by, offering an understanding, friendly smile.

**

* * *

**

Elizabeth steps into the corridor and the infirmary doors close behind her. She stops in mid-step and sighs. John's anger not only makes her feel unwelcome but angry too. And frustrated. And she hates being frustrated…it makes her want to cry. _Maybe a good sob fest is exactly what I need. _The infirmary doors swoosh apart behind her and Elizabeth straightens her spine.

"Dr. Weir?" John says coolly.

She blinks back the tears and turns to face him. "What can I do for you, Colonel Sheppard?" Nothing like pure professionalism to strain any relationship.

"I was wondering when I'd be put back on mission status."

This is a shock. "It's only been a couple of weeks. You don't want to spend more time bonding with A'shon?"

John looks down at her with those harsh eyes she's become accustomed to seeing and he steps into her personal space. "Don't go there." He clenches his jaw and the muscles visibly twitch.

Elizabeth holds her ground and his gaze. She waits for him to explode, rant, yell… anything besides keeping it inside. He sucks air through his clenched teeth and glares at her. She can almost hear what he's saying inside his head; how he blames her for all the lost time, blames her for Ashri getting sick and being alone, as well as dying. For, even though, she's moved on to a higher plane of existence, to John, she has died. And the fact that he wasn't there to help her ahead of time burns him to the core. Because Elizabeth made the call. She refuses to deny him his bitterness or anger. She made the decision…her, no one else. She desperately wants to appease him, but her mind holds firm. "If I could go back in time-"

"Again?" he spits.

"I would make the same decision."

His brows rise at her audacity. "Oh, you would?"

"I will spend my life regretting the pain I caused you, John, but I will never regret the fact that keeping the information from you saved Atlantis. Saved us. We are still alive because of you. Because you were here to help us." John stares at her, his eyes widening, but he stays silent; stewing in his rage.

"Without you here during that critical time, Atlantis would be gone. Or in the hands of the Wraith and they'd possibly be on their way to Earth. Could you have survived with Ashri and A'shon knowing that you let everyone here die and left Earth open to attack by the Wraith?" He slides his eyes toward the ground. She's hit a nerve. Above all, John Sheppard remains an honorable military man. He would never leave a mission unfinished. Never abandon his post.

"That may not be the explanation or apology you want," Elizabeth continues. She feels a lump in her throat and swallows the rising tears, but can't stop her voice cracking as she spoke. "And I'm never going to ask you for your forgiveness, because I know what I cost you. But I do expect you to understand that -- though you are an integral part of this expedition -- your personal life is not my highest priority."

John catches her gaze again. His eyes seem to have lost some of the heat. "You're back on mission status whenever you choose." She turns away and heads down the corridor with her head held high.

**

* * *

**

"I knew you were here." John grins, turning as she comes up the sandy slope in her white wrap dress. Her silky, straight black hair hangs loose to her thighs and sways with every move she makes. Sun peeks through the palm trees, shimmering on her ivory skin. John's breath catches when she smiles at him. He knows it's a dream -- just this side of heaven -- but doesn't care. He doesn't want to wake and leave this place…leave her…ever again.

"I'm always with you, my love." She reaches for him and he clasps her hands in each of his. "As you are with me."

"How is this possible?"

She caresses his cheek; her sensual touch leaving a tingle in his skin. "Love." Her fingertips brush his lips. "It is the one emotion that even ascension cannot defeat. It is forever. And it is everywhere…you only need to look."

John kisses her fingertips then pulls her in and devours her lips. All the pain of losing her vanishes the moment they kiss. He understands in that instant: they _are_ forever. And in this single moment, he knows the universe conspired to bring him to the Pegasus Galaxy for a purpose… and it wasn't to wake up the Wraith.

He and Ashri had been destined. Nothing ever felt more _right_ than being with her. When they finally part, he presses his forehead to hers and rubs the tips of their noses together. "Stay."

Following the kiss, she's breathless with lingering passion. "I cannot. Bureen is patient, not the others." She pulls away, leaving him with a dull ache; longing for her touch. Ashri takes his hand and the thrill of her touch makes his heart beat faster. "Let us walk a while."

They stroll over the golden sand along the water's edge. Sunlight blazes in the baby-blue sky; the day could not have been more beautiful. He supposes that is an effect of having an ascended being in charge of the landscape. "Ascension is not death as you believe," she says quietly.

"Same in the end. You're gone."

"Yet, I am not. I am here. As are you."

"But for how long? You mentioned others."

She nods. "They do not permit corporeal interference. It is the highest law. Bureen has intervened at present, however he is firm. We may not meet like this again."

John stops in his tracks and turns to her. "Why not?"

"I must relinquish ties to my past self, John. It is for the sake righting a wrong that we are permitted this opportunity. To help you remember your path…to reconnect with those around you."

"And then?"

"As I have moved on, so must you."

_How could she be so calm? _"I can't simply-"

Ashri closes her eyes and shakes her head sadly. "I apologize for causing you such turmoil." She catches his gaze. "My wish to protect you and our daughter created unforeseen consequences."

"Look, I get the whole rules thing. I do. I've never been fond of 'em myself, but I get it. Still, there has to be a way for us -"

She presses a finger over his lips. "We are forever, John. Hold onto that. But do not bind yourself to the past." The back of her hand skims to his cheek. "The future is not set…yet it does grow before your eyes. Every day. You must open yourself to it. Love her, John. Feel her. Do not fear her-"

John's brows crease. "I'm not afraid of A'shon."

"Of losing her?" She brushes her fingers through his hair. "It is not merely your pain she feels." Her hand drops to cover his heart. "It is what you deny her that hurts most."

As before, when Ashri touches him, his heart beats faster, his head swims, and he wants nothing more than to hold her safe for all time. It's what he hasn't been feeling when he holds A'shon. _How could a father not feel that way about his daughter? _In losing Ashri, he lost himself. He shut down. And he hadn't even noticed. "How…I have to fix this?"

"Realization is the awakening."

"But if I-"

"Sorrow is a part of life, my love. Experience it, but do not dwell in it. Without sorrow, there can be no opposite…no happiness. Find your happiness in her eyes. In her smile. She is yours and mine. She is us. And we are forever."

John closes his eyes, picturing his daughter smiling at him. Why hasn't he seen what he is doing? Keeping his own child out of his heart. How can he be so cruel?

"You lost your way, that is all." Ashri says, obviously reading his thoughts. "It is time you open your eyes to the true path, John." John looks at her quizzically. She points out over the water and he sees it floating: Atlantis. "It is where you belong. Where you are meant to be."

John drops his eyes and kicks at the sand. He doesn't want reality to enter into this. He wants the dream; the fantasy of a world without responsibilities, without worries, with Ashri. _And what about A'shon?_ He cringes at his thoughtlessness. His own baby seeks comfort from someone else…McKay of all people, because he's too selfish.

"You know it to be true," she squeezes his hand. "And yet you fight the truth. Refuse to see it."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Ashri faces him, placing a hand on each shoulder. The air around them cools, the sky blurs. When she drops her hands to grip one of his, they are standing inside the Atlantis infirmary… looking at the past. "As easily as we once made a connection…so it happened again."

John sees himself at Ashri's bed side with Elizabeth standing behind him, her hand on his shoulder. She's tells him to take a break and after a veiled threat from her, he leaves.

Elizabeth tilted her head, considering Ashri. "There has to be more to it than that," she said out loud. There's a flicker of movement under her lids. Elizabeth moved closer. Ashri slowly opened her eyes and looked directly at Elizabeth. She took up John's spot, gently touching Ashri's shoulder. "It's all right. You're safe." Elizabeth smiled. "I wanted to thank you…for what you did. That was very brave."

Ashri brought her finger up to her lips. "Are you thirsty?" Ashri shook her head a tiny bit. She looked like she wanted to say something. Elizabeth leaned in closer and Ashri pressed her right hand against Elizabeth's temple. There's a soft golden glow, then Ashri's hand fell away and she was unconscious once again.

"Elizabeth never mentioned this. What did you talk about?"

"Nothing at that time. I was too weak."

John turns away from the past and faces the woman he loves so desperately he'd be willing to give up everything, his existence, if she asked – which she never would. Suddenly they are back on the beach with a gentle breeze rustling the treetops and dolphins chattering in the distant waters. "Why did you show me that?"

"If the path has no fork, the traveler may only move in one direction."

John shakes his head and blinks at her. "What?"

"Open yourself to the truth, John. You _must_ forgive her."

"Elizabeth? Why?" John holds her gaze, trying to decipher the mystery she's become. And like the bolt of lightning that killed him over a year ago, he knows. He didn't wanted to see it, pushed it away with the rest of his pain, but as it surfaces, his breath catches from a gut punch. "No."

Ashri nods as tears slide down her cheeks. "I would have gladly died that day in your arms… free from Luminance…from loneliness. Content."

John cups her face in his hands, holding her still so he can look deep into her eyes. "But, you knew."

"Yes," she sighs. More tears drip from her eyes and John wipes them away with his thumbs. Roughly, he pulls her against him and wraps his arms around her in a tight embrace, pressing her head against his chest. "I also knew you could never be content on Luminance. Not with a galaxy to explore, people counting on you for their very survival. I did believe that one day we three would be together again. Unfortunately, I could not foresee the circumstances."

John sighs, turning from her and looking out over the water. So much for the universe being on his side. _Sure you can meet your soul mate…but we're taking her back because you don't deserve her. You woke the Wraith._ It doesn't ring with truth, but John can't get the thought out of his head. Why else would he find Ashri only to lose her so quickly?

Waves crash against the shore. John drops his head and runs his fingers through his hair. "I don't…I can't…" He understands even as his heart aches for lost time, lost opportunities. He looks over his shoulder at her. "Elizabeth?"

"You must forgive her. She needs you. Your friendship. Support. Your trust, John. And you need her as well." Ashri crushes herself against his chest again, throwing her arms around him. "Say you will. Please."

John feels an incredible weight lift from his heart. Deep down, he's known all along. Acknowledging it, accepting it leaves him free of the anger, but not the pain of loss. He hugs Ashri close…if forgiveness is the gift he can bestow, he will not withhold it.

And now, he doesn't want to. He simply wants to relish the time he can spend with Ashri in his embrace, experiencing her delicate touch. He finds her lips again and they linger within a long, slow kiss. Afterward, he brushes his fingers through her hair. "I will." John studies her, memorizing every part of her. "For you."

"No, John. For you." She smiles and she seems to glow with energy for a moment. "Deliver a message for me, then?" John nods and she tells him.

Around them the light begins to dim as the sun quickly sets lower in the sky, as if someone just hit a fast-forward button on a movie. Ashri glances at the diminishing golden orb then faces him again. "We have little time now," she says softly. She kisses him and gazes into his eyes with a look that makes his knees weak. "I wish to enjoy it."

John raises a brow. "What did you have in mind?" Ashri smiles seductively and kisses him again. His legs nearly buckle.

**

* * *

**

Jingling from the door wakes John from his nap. The dream had been a reality…and though he seemed to spend a lifetime in the arms of his lost love, he hadn't been ready to leave; not that he had a choice in the matter.

But for the first time in over a year, John wakes smiling. Warm sunlight greets him as the setting star makes its way passed his bedroom window. His whole nap has lasted mere minutes. Maybe fifteen, twenty at most…and yet the time with Ashri was sensual, beautiful, magical even…and much, much longer…a lifetime almost.

Rolling to the side, he sees two sets of giant eyes awake and quietly watching him. His heart beats faster at the sight of A'shon and she smiles, exposing dimples. _Oh, yeah, that's my girl._

"Sptahchhh," she says with conviction. John doesn't know what it means, but she seems happy about it. And her happiness brings him immeasurable joy.

_Thank you._ He sends the message to Ashri, knowing she will understand. Without her coming to him, he might have continued on, locked in the pain and anger. It seems too easy, having her spill the beans and making things all right…but she's restored a balance. Given him hope where he had none. She isn't a cure all for his ills, but she comes damn close. _We are forever. _That will become his mantra.

Moving on from her will not be easy or without struggle, but it has to be done. He has someone else to dote upon. He grins at A'shon and she gurgles and giggles. "Hello, angel." He says, facing her eye-to-eye. "Mommy loves you." John traces a finger down her cheek. "But you know that already, huh." He lifts her chin a bit. "Daddy loves you too. Can you say dada?" A'shon sticks out her tongue and blows air. John smirks. "I guess I deserve that."

The chime jingles again, bringing him out of the baby induced trance. He rolls off the bed, going into the living room and opens the door. McKay stands before him, heaving like an out-of-shape long distance runner. "McKay?" John rubs the sleep from his eyes. "Why are you breathing so hard?"

"Stairs," he wheezes. "Transporter…offline…had to…run-" He holds up a hand. "Emer…gen..cy."

"What?"

"Teyla…needs…" He points at John. "You."

John reaches for his gun. "Where?"

"No gun…grab baby…follow." McKay waves his hand to beckon him.

John sets his gun aside and quickly retrieves A'shon from her crib, leaving Tanis behind for the first time, but hey…he's a cat. Together they follow McKay to the end of the corridor and around the corner. John hasn't investigated this part of the tower yet. "What's she doing up here?"

McKay shakes his head, huffing and puffing. "Can't…" he wheezes again. "Give …a minute." He points at the next door on the right then leans over with his hands on his knees. "In there."

John presses the controls and the door opens. Pitch black greets him. "Teyla?" Nothing. John steps into the room and hears something or someone shuffling around. McKay comes up behind him and as he does, all the lights in the room blink on.

"Surprise!" Everyone yells.

And by everyone…he sees EVERYONE!

John jumps, looking around in astonishment. Truly, all of the expedition team members and several Athosians have crammed into a single room. Some people he hasn't seen since -- well forever -- are even here. The place seems big enough to hold them all and more. The ceilings match that of his apartment as do the soft coral colored walls. Two floor-to-ceiling windows showcase the pink-blue pastel sky as the sun drifts under the horizon.

John tries to shield A'shon from the growing noise of clapping and congratulatory praise, but she seems perfectly content to be within the throng. After a moment, he realizes that A'shon didn't jump at the surprise as he did. She didn't even seem mildly shocked or disturbed by it. _Interesting_. People come up to him and pat his back, offering well wishes and asking him if he had any clue. John turns to McKay. The scientist -- no longer heaving -- wears a silly grin and points a finger at him. "Gotcha."

"What's going on?"

"Look around, Colonel," Carson comes over to him with a cup of punch and a sandwich on a plate.

"Is that turkey?"

"I was talking about the room."

John pulls his eyes away from the sandwich and does as the doctor said. "It looks like a lab."

"Nope," McKay says, rocking on his toes. "It's the nursery."

John's jaw drops. "Really?"

Dr. Felnik breaks away from the bigger pack and joins the small group. "It took us a while to get it cleaned up and functional again. It's supplied with everything you can think of. Including fabrication systems for cloth and the computer is full of designs for making clothes. Several of the systems had been dormant for even longer than the rest of the city."

Carson pipes up. "Probably because the Ancients sent their children back to Earth as soon as the Wraith showed up."

Teyla appears from within the crowd and offers John a friendly smile. "Well?"

"Hayathaht," Ashri says, blowing air between her lips.

He lifts his brows and quirks a grin. "So that whole thing with you and Carson about piercing -"

"A ruse, Colonel."

"Ah!" He holds up a finger.

Teyla nods and grins. "John. I must admit, Dr. Beckett had me a bit concerned for a moment. He covered very well."

John nods and gives props to Carson. "Yes, he did. Looks like you pulled it off. I had no clue."

Teyla clicks her eyes over toward McKay and Carson then lands them back on John as she speaks. "We were afraid you had figured it out from A'shon."

"Oh?" He catches on. "Because of the urgent feeling…what did she want to show me, anyway?"

Carson chuckles and he and McKay exchange knowing grins. "Our rather pudgy patient in the infirmary, I imagine." Carson says.

"Huh?"

Someone whistles, the noisy crowd quickly quiets and the sea of people part down the center. Ford and Dr. Zelenka wheel in a brand new crib full of presents; including a huge teddy bear wearing sunglasses, an Air Force cap and a diaper.

"Wow! This is so _cool_. Would you look at all this stuff!" John says to A'shon. She bounces against his hip and claps her hands. "Yeah, she knows it's for her. Great job on the crib, guys."

Zelenka and Ford pat each other on the back. "We had some help from the Ancient fabrications system," Zelenka says.

"But," Ford adds. "We modeled and put it together ourselves. Happy Father's Day, Colonel," Ford says with a goofy grin.

John can't hide his shock. "Is it really?"

Teyla shrugs. "Does it not feel it should be?"

"We know it's not close to the actual date, but we all figured…what the hell," Ford says with a shrug.

"Besides," Teyla adds. "It gave us an excuse to offer gifts. A true Athosian tradition."

"And to have a party," McKay says.

"Right," John nods. "Where's that turkey?"

"Come with me, Colonel," Carson says making a bee-line for the buffet table.

John follows Carson, stops and glances back. "Thank you, Teyla. For finding this room. Planning the party. It seems to be just what everyone needed. Especially me."

"The surprise part was my idea…I take full responsibility. However, I did not find the nursery or plan the party." She raises her brows and gives him a knowing look.

John nods. _Of course_. He lifts his head to look over the crowd. "Where is she?"

Teyla comes up to him so she can speak confidentially. "She did not feel her presence would be… within the spirit of the moment."

"She didn't feel welcome."

Teyla nods. "I believe so." John chews on his bottom lip and Teyla watches him. "Would you like me to call her?"

He shakes his head. "No…that's okay. Thanks again. Thank you everyone!" That elicits a round of cheers and congratulations of a job well-done and more happy chattering from A'shon.

* * *

Elizabeth stares at the laptop screen, trying to focus on the work in front of her, but her mind keeps wandering to the party. She wonders if everything went off as planned. Having John and Teyla return so quickly from their outing, threw a wrench into the activities; especially when John decided to take A'shon up to the apartment for an afternoon nap. 

Luckily the nursery boasts its own transporter, discovered by Dr. Felnik, which put everyone back on track. If they pulled it off, it's only because the entire team put so much energy into the planning and execution of the party. She mentally congratulates all of them for their effort. _I hope there's some cake left over later._

Elizabeth smiles, remembering the big teddy bear sewn together in patches by any number of volunteers then stuffed by Stackhouse. It has to be the cutest and ugliest teddy bear she's ever seen. But she'll never fault her team for being creative in extreme conditions.

A'shon likes the bear, that's all that matters. Clearly the little girl has more going on inside her head than any normal ten month old, but she is also a baby with baby wants and needs. Elizabeth wonders if Ashri manages to stay nearby and watch over her daughter.

Closing her eyes, she rubs her temples. She still hasn't slept and the fatigue is taking its toll, not only on her body, but on her emotions as well. After a moment, without looking up, she says: "Thought you'd be at your party."

"I noticed someone missing."

Elizabeth lifts her head. She felt the air change when he arrived. Everything seemed to go still. John stands in her doorway with A'shon attached to his side. He looks tired. Drained; like she feels. _Please, I'm not up for another fight._ The lack of sleep and the never-ending tension have nearly driven her to tears on numerous occasions. And crying in front of John would not be her first choice. She needs him to see her as strong, in charge. "I had some people to work security…just a skeleton crew. Didn't think you'd miss 'em."

"Yeah," he says slowly, stepping inside. "That's the thing. No matter what's been said or not said, when someone important isn't around…you miss 'em a lot."

"Yahahh hhaaaya katsss," A'shon says emphatically to no one in particular. Still the baby's ramblings bring a soft smile to John's face and Elizabeth can feel one growing on her. Something about babies, kittens and puppies…they can make all your troubles vanish with a look or a cute noise.

John catches Elizabeth's gaze. "The path is now open."

Elizabeth's head spins and she closes her eyes against the wave of dizziness. When she opens them, she's standing in the infirmary with Carson, McKay, Teyla and Ford. John hovers over the infirmary bed where Ashri lies.

From behind, a hand settles on Elizabeth's shoulder. She turns, seeing Ashri standing before her. "What's happening to you?"

"I'm dying."

"No. John-" Elizabeth turns to John, he doesn't hear her. He remains in the same place, holding Ashri's hand. She turns back to the other woman. "What can we do?"

"We must be strong now." The beautiful alien woman mesmerizes her with those intense brown eyes. "I am in need of your assistance, Elizabeth. You must help me. To save us. And John."

"What are you talking about?"

"You must not let John return to Luminance until I send for him."

"Why not? What do you mean, send for him?"

Ashri smiles and rests her hands on Elizabeth's shoulders. "Atlantis needs him. And John needs Atlantis. When the time is right, I will call for him. You will know."

"Am I dreaming?"

She smiles softly. "Soon John will take me through the Stargate and return me to Luminance…where I must remain. Do not permit him to return until I send for him. The danger is too great."

"Danger? We can handle the virus."

"Not the virus…the future, Elizabeth. Atlantis must survive to welcome home the true heir."

"You mean…?"

"John must not be told. He cannot know. It is a command. _Your_ command. The path must be blocked, Elizabeth. Do not tell him…that is an order. Your order. The path _is_ blocked."

Elizabeth jerks upright, opening her eyes and nearly falls off her chair. John stands over her, his free hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?"

"Oh my God," she gasps. She can feel tears ready to flow, she wants to sob and rant and scream…but she holds it in. "She did it." Elizabeth looks up at him. "She really did it." He nods; his mouth in a tight line and eyes full of regret.

Elizabeth shoots out of her chair and wobbles a bit, still dizzy from the shock of it all. She swallows the anger, though a lump catches in her throat. "All this time…it hadn't felt like me…but at the same time, it felt-"

"Right," John adds.

Elizabeth nods. "How…?"

He gives a sideways nod. "I had a visitor. A very sorry visitor."

"Oh, I'm sure!" She sounds bitter, but doesn't care. Ashri did exactly what Elizabeth had been afraid of; pushed her way into someone's mind and manipulated them. _Her_!

John moves closer. "She really does feel bad."

"Well, she better!" But her self-righteousness feels as hollow as it sounds in her voice. The reason Ashri chose her is the same reason Elizabeth can't condemn the other woman: the welfare of a child and the love of a good man. As much as it makes her head swim and her ire rise, Elizabeth understands. She might even have made the same decision in spite of Ashri's plea and psychic pressure.

John closes the distance between them, getting in her space as he had earlier, but without the underlying hostility. Something has changed in him and Elizabeth doesn't think it has too much to do with who withheld what from whom. She doesn't feel the long burning rage he's been holding onto for over a year that only recently came to a boil with the knowledge of A'shon. Someone has quashed the fire. And she knows of only one soul with that much power; that kind of hold on him. "That must have been some visit."

John locks his eyes onto hers. "She's not the only one with regrets." He turns to his daughter. "A'shon…this is Elizabeth… you're Godmother-" he looks at Elizabeth again. "If you want." John shifts and offers the baby to her.

Elizabeth's breath catches and the lump in her throat makes it hard to swallow the tears that keep threatening to burst forth. The moment she holds the baby in her arms, she loses it. Control has always been her friend, but it abandons her now. Tears flow freely along with an unrestrained giggle filled with joy, regret, hope, anger and relief. "I'd be honored."

Elizabeth hugs A'shon and kisses her forehead then leans back and looks the child in the eyes. "Hi there."

A'shon presses her right hand against Elizabeth's chest and it starts to glow. Astonished, Elizabeth seeks John's gaze. "What's she trying to do?"

After the moment of shock, the corners of his mouth rise and his eyes glimmer with pride. "Heal you."

Elizabeth blinks, sending more tears down her face. She reaches for John with her free hand and he takes it in both of his. His brows knit together as he keeps hold of his emotions…as usual. But Elizabeth is a lost cause now. She can't reign in her feelings to save her life. She smiles through the tears. "Her father already has."

John's soft smile full of friendship and renewed trust makes her heart flutter. A glimmer of tears shimmer in his eyes, though he manages to keep a reign on them.

A'shon turns her head and rests it against Elizabeth's chest so that she can look at her father. She reached out with her right hand, the palm still glowing. Smiling with the kind of joy only a baby knows, she touches her father's chest and gurgles. "Dada."

**_The End_**…

_of a beginning._

* * *

_A/N: Hope you enjoyed my little tale. Please review...feedback always welcome._


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